Not feeling like writing tonight...

Today, I did a number of things that one should do on Sunday, and at least one thing that I normally would. It was a good day.

Took some pictures for Models for Change today, and learning more about the process of taking photographs of people, in particular models, even in a cold windy environment. I find it to be an intimidating experience in many ways, but feel like I'm helping and growing from what I find.

Loved the dichotomy of this Porsche sitting across the street from the Greyhound station in Raleigh. Thought it was interesting enough to make my photo today instead of pictures of various people that have no role in my daily thought pattern or development.

That being said, I remembered this weekend while in Asheville that a year ago today I bought the next to last ring I ever intended to buy someone. I enjoyed buying it, and putting it on her finger. It was still there the last time I saw her, and it remains a lasting symbol of my love.

D90 85mm f/16 1/250 ISO 400

Lazy Saturday...

I took one picture today, just one, and it was the way to start my day... looking into Mary Kathryn's bedroom, seeing her asleep at 9:15 am and being amazed at how her sleep, her restful slumber permeated the condo this morning.

After getting a call (or three) from her mother about WHEN I was going to get her home, I did drop her off and then enjoyed a Biscuitville sausage and egg biscuit before returning home. I went from pajama bottoms to jeans to pajama bottoms and was able to just sit today, and enjoy the peace. The only problem is that sitting around makes me think too much.

I was touched by one thing said to me today: "avoiding things doesn't make them better or go away." That is so true. A friend has suggested I write a letter. Others have suggested I write a book. I have started a chapter of something that I don't know what it will turn into, but it is true... Avoiding is not an answer.

Prayer, keeping good in your heart and thoughts, calling a friend when they are on your mind, being authentic and living each day in appreciation of what you have are all important. These forms of rest have made this lazy day one of meaning for me. I read comforting words about a friend who lived his life by giving, and died both in reality and in substance from having a heart too large. I listened to a friend's frustration at keeping a niece on the right path. I watched another give of time to help take care of a child because of other family needs. I shared time with friends, whose obvious affection for each other was touching, and remarkable.

Tonight I pray for Rob Cranford's family. I pray for Beth Parrot's hip to be healed and for her husband and friends taking such good care of her. I pray for friends struggling through family situations. I give thanks for all I have, and thank God for the ability to appreciate my life, love my children and see hope in another day. Amen.

D90 270mm f/5.6 1/50 ISO 400

Fun Friday...

After a long drive home tonight, I was invited by Drew to come to his school for family fun night. It was a great day -- between speaking before my friends at the Western NC AHU Symposium and getting lots of calls made on the way home.

Drew's invitation, and the chance to spend just a few minutes with he and Mary Kathryn (after not having them this week because of all my travels) really made my day. MK would not get more than two feet from me, and was chatting about all these fun things going on in her life.

Drew's hugs though have to be one of the greatest things in the world. His genuine smile totally changes the way I think about my day, and reminds me of how much our relationship has changed for the good. He hugged me about three times within the five minutes and it was like medicine to ease an aching heart.

Being so tired tends to make me emotional, and I was blessed by many friends' uplifting words, support and a caring ear to make my day a little easier.

Drew's throwing of the bean bags so he could win ANOTHER sticky thing captured the second best part of my day. The best was sitting on my couch, with MK's head in my lap, watching something on TV, and my fingers in her blond locks. Being a father truly is the culmination of so many parts of my life.

D90 70mm f/8 1/50 ISO 400

Snow, Speaking, Sorrow, Schlep and Sleep...

I woke to five inches of snow on my car this morning and was blessed by my parents' help getting out. Then drove through the snow, and wind, to Boone to speak before a Chamber group for my friend Lee.

After driving to Hendersonville to do a webinar, I went to Asheville to meet friends for dinner. But on the way, I found out that my friend, Rob Cranford, had died unexpectedly. That put a damper on the evening - mortality and meals don't always mix. However I did find that the few moments of wine, good food and catching up with friends from high school was great. Scott and Tamara were great hosts and helped me forget for a while that for Rob's family and the rest of the Morrow team, along with all of the people touched by Rob's life, were beginning the process of grieving.

The salt on my car, the drifting snow, the gray skies and followed by bright blue and then tears and wine all framed a day in my life. But to capture snowflakes was a particular surprise. Pretty amazing that each is unique, like every day, every life.

D90 24mm f/8 1/125 ISO 400

Inverse Cupola

This morning, I woke up in an old house in Sylva. It was dark, and the faint light of the east acted as filter against the tree branches. Before long, I was dressed and ready to go, and enjoyed a nice breakfast at the owner's table of eggs and sausage. It was a great way to start the day...

But when I went out the door to take my bags to the car, I was struck by the sight of the Jackson County Courthouse out that side of the house. A strong, old white (and apparently) wooden structure, the courthouse sits up on the hill overlooking Sylva. The building has a great metal cupola as its crown, with a golden figure as its principal jewel. It all struck me as the epitome of a small town. The river ran by downtown, and the railroad through the center of this great old city (with its one way streets) and the courthouse supervising it all was just a great sight to start my day.

The cool air didn't slow me... I pulled out the camera, changed the lens, and snapped. Forgot to check the shutter speed and got this washed out mess... or so I thought. I sped it up, took a few more and just was thankful to capture this scene that had left me lost in a moment and a place I hadn't expected.

From there, I had an early meeting in Sylva, made about 100 calls between there and Newland, and then had dinner with some Avery classmates. Drove to momma and daddy's house in the falling snow, loving the slow movements and the drifting white, leaving the sky and my view filled with one of the most amazing things we experience. Yes, there's been lots of snow, and if I lived here it would have made me crazy, but I am just thankful that I have gotten to share it.

Tonight, when I started to work on my post and I went to pull off the pics, this "mistake" most struck me. Because it was unexpected. It looked almost like an x-ray or a snowy day or nearly everything it wasn't. Reminded me that perspective is both singular and unique. Reinforced the message I received yesterday: "You will only benefit from resisting the temptation

to think immediately about the worst possible outcome." So very true.

And I'll end with a Facebook status message I saw the other night as a wish to my friends: Sleep the sleep of the just.

D90 300mm f/8 1/8 ISO 400

23rd

Life's twists and turns are what make it interesting, huh? I woke up in Hickory, travelled to Lincolnton for a meeting, then to Sylva for some meetings and tonight am sitting inThe Freeze House watching Lost. The car is acting up, I am feeling a bit sick, had a great day of work, and still feel a little blah. I think I need to sleep well tonight.

The fog this morning in Hickory was amazing and I could not take a picture because the battery in my camera had expired during the night. Plus the available scenes from the hotel lacked interest... I suppose that's a nice way of saying that the parking lot and the stores did not really allow me to capture the way the fog was impacting the world around my in a way that inspired me.

So when I got to the car, I was able to capture this picture, across the interstate and yet so much not a part of that world. I actually loved it. And I'll end with lyrics that today have been in my head and my heart...

All the days we've been together

All the days we've been apart

Add up to a bunch of nothing

If I'm not still in your heart

D90 85mm f/5.6 1/320 ISO 40

Showing off

It's odd how you keep certain things in control, but then that resistible need to prove what a badass you are peeks through... Last night, I was doing that, and then this morning, in the shower, where I do all of my high-quality thinking, I realized what I had done... and I felt really stupid and immature.

I love to drive... I drive like a madman when I am alone, and occasionally worse when I am with someone else. A co-worker, Mark Waugh, joined me on the drive to Franklin last night. My car handles great (most of the time) and can really make it up the mountain roads like I-40 at Old Fort with great ease, usually while accelerating. So Mark's riding, and I'm showing off, and just cutting through curves, speeding my way into the next two lanes and scooting up the mountain... when my car starts acting up...

Now granted - it was no big deal, but it was just irresponsible. I should know better, but I didn't act like the grown up I wanted to and this morning I was pretty upset with myself. I mean -- come on, he's a co-worker, someone I've known and worked with for years... someone I respect and admire as a person. But I had to do that. It was probably one of the worst acts of immaturity I've committed in nearly a year.

So, I'm sorry. Sorry to you, Mark. And sorry for not living up to the standards I have set for myself in so many parts of my life.

And thanks for listening to my confessional.

D90 85mm f/5.6 1/20 ISO 400

Inspiration...

...was lacking today, so I am cheating and using a picture from yesterday which I really liked. MK was texting and Drew was shopping for rocks and stones, and I was taking pictures -- pretty much our typical day together.

In the midst of a long discussion with a buddy while driving to Franklin, NC (which is as far west as I've ever been in our great state), the comment was made: we often question the wrong thing. I just smiled because I knew I was inspired to write for tonight, and thought it was a very good point.

We doubt people's intentions, we question their thoughts or their actions when what we need to do is turn the attention back on ourselves. Too often I have been mad at Mary Jo, or the kids, or someone important in my life for something they said or did, when in fact I was in the wrong place personally to deal with those issues, or just mad because it wasn't what I wanted to hear or do. I've seen this happen too many times with friends and it's amazing how hard it is.

I am not sure we should ever question others' motives, but that is incredibly hard. All we can do is accept, hope, believe and breathe. It's what I try to do every day. And I fail at least once every day. It's life.

D90 85mm f/4.5 1/400 ISO 400

Heaven on Earth...

What a great day today was... shorts weather, windows open, inspired cleaning and a late morning of sleep.

My bathroom and my bedroom feel better than they have in months and my place seems to breathe better with the winter looking like it's been chased away. Mary Kathryn also worked on her room, and Drew... well, Drew was working on some random project, cutting coke cans with nearly dull scissors and making guns, arrows, spears and other random weapons or tools.

Today's warm air resulted in MK and I wearing shorts out on our trip to the NC Museum of Natural History. As we walked in, and around, she said: "I expected more people to be wearing shorts...but we're the only ones." She grabbed my hand, gave me a little squeeze of pride, and we launched our way through some "learning."

We ended our adventure with a visit to God's greatest gift of fried flour and yeast, Krispy Kreme... I love the one near downtown Raleigh. It's the old mothership style — not the fancy modern versions that I think are hideous and look like they were approved by the Cary Planning Department. The old ones are white, and green, and appear to have fallen out of the fifties. And when the neon sign is on... hmm...

The original mothership style was on Stratford Road in Winston-Salem, and I used to make an excuse to stop there nearly every time I passed through during college or afterwards, until the interstate was built. You could sit there and watch the donuts be made: squirted out, frying, flipped, bathed in the magical glazing and then plucked from the belt... right into a box to be handed to a paying customer. It was like understanding the creation story for the first time. Hmm...

After our sugar fix, we travelled home and just hung out tonight. I watched The Queen on AMC, after watching 2010. It was weird when I told Drew I was watching 2010 and he pointed out the obvious -- Dad, that's this year. To think, we were supposed to be nine years after sending humans to Jupiter and yet, here we are, barely out of near-Earth orbit. Makes me so sad. But seeing Dame Helen Mirren moved from the Russian captain of the ship headed to Juniper to the monarch of the British empire was fascinating.

So I hope you had a good day. We did.

D90 85mm f/8 1/1000 ISO 400

Dead soldier

I love my pen. This past summer, when I was in New York, I decided that I would buy myself a very nice writing fountain pen because I had always wanted one. There was this fabulous pen shop that I came across walking back from Grand Central Station toward Times Square and I just walked in, and knew I had fallen into the trap.

I have always loved pens, and paper. When I was a kid, in Boone, there was this store where you went to buy your office supplies. I think it was called Carolina Business Machines and it was on King Street, on the corner, and my mom had to go there almost every time we went to Boone. There would always be this huge collection of pens, and little places where you could doodle to see if you liked the pen.

I'll bet my mom spent hundreds of dollars there buying me pens. Calligraphy pens, gold and silver ink pens, every color in the world, and every thickness, and feel, and style imaginable over the years. In fact, it is probably that acquiescence to this pen thing that makes me so tolerant of similar traits in my children (which I completely did not realize until I started this entry so... thanks for helping me better understand that deal).

Well after years of experimenting, I knew what I really liked: a very thin line (ideally 0.5mm -- extra fine, they call it), and preferably in blue, but I'll take black. I also got very particular about my writing paper -- the thinner the lines, the better. See I write VERY small... and the small line, and the narrow rule allow me to get more on a paper.

There is something magical about the written word. I love to type, and my obsession about typefaces is well documented. However, being able to write down my to-do list, or make notes in a meeting, gives me some feel that I am leaving a permanent mark in some small way with my hand.

So I walked in a started in the back, where all the cool paper and "cheap" pens were... after doodling and not finding anything that really hits me (btw, my cheap pens are Pilot VBall Grip Extra Fine Pens with blue ink), I sauntered up to the pen counter. Now, let me just say... pen geeks are perhaps a whole different class of people. Having gone to coin club with Drew, the guys at those meetings are pretty close, but the soothing, worshipful words used by the men working at the pen shop was a little creepy. It's that tone of voice that is a mix of aloofness and arrogance with a hint of "I guess I'll deign to sell you this work of art" mentality, but delivered in short sleeve oxford shirts, and ink covered fingers.

So I started explaining what I wanted. Like an idiot, I started the conversation with, "...you know I've wanted to buy a nice pen but I don't really know what I want..." which was greeted with this look of pity not unlike the one a lion gives a antelope that's tripped while running away. So after swatting away some of the traditional crap, I really got specific -- extra thin, blue and flows well...

Issue #1 with an extra-thin tip: sometimes the nib will catch on the paper and screw up what you're writing, or the ink won't flow right and it feels scratchy when you are writing. I hate that... which is why the whole trial-and-error part of finding a pen is so important.

So he then realized that this might actually be a challenge. We tried a number of pens -- and I finally found one that seemed to be the one... Sailor Sapporo Fountain Pen with an extra fine tip. Well after dropping a nice dime on the pen, I also bought a box of refillable ink cartridges so that I wouldn't run out. And I've loved using it nearly every day since.

So today's pic was from early this morning, when my pen ran out of ink. Replacing the cartridge is easy, but you also need to do a little to keep the pen clean, with warm (not hot, or cold) water through the nib and let it dry. But it keeps it clean and wonderful, and ready to write the next words.

A pen is a tool, but a perfectly crafted pen is a piece of art that lets you write beautiful words.

D90 85mm f/1.4 1/80 ISO 400

Half-full Moon

Tonight's conditions were perfect to finally capture this inspirational moon. There was no wind, the temperature was reasonable and I was wearing shorts, and a long-sleeve shirt. It was great to spend a few minutes on the porch getting the camera right, the focus where I could grab the high points in the sunlight of key craters...

Every time I see the moon, I think about the amazing physical facts that cause us here on Earth to see so many different faces... the tilt of our planet relative to the Sun and the nature of the Moon's orbit will cause it to sometimes look like a smiley face and other times just to be standing on its side. We know that the same side of the Moon always faces the Earth (a fact that Pink Floyd leveraged into the title of one of best selling album of all time), meaning we will see the same craters, in the same place, every time. And without its gravity, we would not have waves. But given all of that, I just like the Moon, its moods, and its masks... how I love to look up to see what the night will give.

With the crescent on the "bottom" of the Moon (which is because the Moon is chasing the Sun down the southwestern horizon), all week I've felt so inspired by the glass like shape it has right now. Every night, it fills up a little more, and so must we. And that is a great thing to see, and want, and believe.

Every day is a new day. I am appreciative of today, and for the rest I got last night. My travel home from out west on Wednesday was not my best few hours -- too tired, too little sleep this week because of work and travel, on edge in every way possible and reacting to unemotional moments in overly emotional ways. Not the way I want to live my life. But I pushed through thanks to many, many friends.

Today, I had the chance to have lunch with an old friend who had the misfortunate of being caught in the whirlwind of my fall last Spring. He gave me the chance to share where I am, where I have been and where I am no longer. I have to say too it was a blessing to see the relief in his eyes when he saw me for the first time since last February. And to feel that friendship growing back was a gift I hadn't expected.

While it didn't serve as my pic today (because I had ignored this moon all week), this picture of the Sun rising through the woods this morning was the right beginning of my day. Its light, its warmth, its hope lighting the way to another trip down the road...

D90 300mm f/5.6 1/80 ISO 400

Breaks....

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” Ernest Hemingway

Some nights, the energy to write escapes me. This quote was shared tonight and it inspired this photo... of a broken vase that I bought unbroken this summer. Then one Sunday evening this fall, I walked in with my tripod and knocked it off the table it sits on, by the front door. And I've left it there ever since, for reasonsI could never figure out (other than the mere fact that I still really like the colors and shape). Now its reason for being is known.

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” Thanks, Mr. Hemingway, for the words of encouragement and hope. Sleep well, friends.

D90 85mm f/2.8 1/40 ISO 400

Exit

I have had this moon following me, taunting me for the last two evenings, with its beautiful shape making me realize how half full life is, and how it waiting to be filled.

But when I saw this sign in my hallway, it could not be ignored. I'm staying at this new hotel -- you can almost smell the paint, and the new carpet (a scent that has always transfixed me) -- and all the "new" safety pieces are interesting. The elevators are numbered, all these signs pointing the way to a safe way to escape from danger. It seems so much of life is about exits...

It made me realize how often we choose to do what's safe... I have heard too many times from friends how and why they made some decision in their life -- professional, personal or otherwise because it was "right." I know that I've made that mistake: I stayed with my ex for all the wrong reasons for too long after it was over. I kept thinking, "oh, I am staying for the kids." Bullshit. The gravity well at the bottom of our relationship was tearing my soul apart until I could not stand it any longer. And the outcome of that "delay" was not positive -- it caused me to overreact to every relationship I had for years because I so freaking selfish that it nearly consumed me.

I had a great day, doing what I love to do with people I genuinely like. My work has allowed me to work with people in a way that I feel like I using nearly everyone of my professional skills, and that allow me to be genuine. It was kinda weird to discover (or admit) that I like sales and I get juiced from that process... Odd? Perhaps. But I always leave it feeling like I have done something positive with my work life -- for a change.

And tonight I got to spend some time with my sister. I went to her restaurant, and got to sit at the bar with her while I was eating. I am so proud of her, both for where she is in her job and how well she is doing in managing all the insanity around her. And I like how she and my mom are bringing their relationship back together. It's awful that it took Charlie's tragic death to do that, but I know that smile coming out the sky is for the good that has come from it.

D90 85mm f/4.5 1/100 ISO 400

Today...

I came out to get in my car after working at the Fayetteville office, and the sun was setting and shining brightly. There had been a big rain, and the droplets on the windshield were caught in the light in a way that could not be ignored. I pulled the camera out of the back seat, and started clicking pictures. My boss walked out and said, "What are you taking pictures of?" Sometimes I think he is pretty certain that I am weird. Very perceptive of him.

Ever have those days when you really don't know what to think or feel? And then I realize I don't have to know what to think or feel - I need to just think and feel what I do. Active acceptance.

The uncertainty of how the people who matter in our lives feel or what they think seems to me to be one of the biggest areas of uncertainty, fear and doubt we face. While I see so much progress in how I think about the world -- when I came to accept that I no longer sought people's approval was the moment I became a better person in every sense of the word, but I still want to understand so many things that I cannot. It's so frustrating to not know. Does the inability to know make anyone else crazy?

So tonight I accept my life, and today's certainties and uncertainties as the raindrops accept the sunlight. And I refuse to let it this acceptance to be wiped away. I am brave enough to feel the way I do, and confident enough to know what makes me crazy, and patient enough to see what will happen. What else can I do?

D90 85mm f/8 1/1600 ISO 400

Love

Love takes many forms. Today, it felt in part by absence and by presence.

This morning, I got a call from my ex about Drew's desire to go to the flea market and if I would take him. It was great for a chance to spend one-on-one time with him. MK was doing the Sweetheart Banquet at church, and I suppose she needed some time alone. Who cares? I was the big winner. He and I spent five hours together, talking, shopping, listening and just sharing space together.

When we talked, he told me how he loves that I don't yell at him... that I listen to him and change when he asks... and that I don't make him choose... All of that was the outgrowth of a few important decisions about how I parent and one absolutely critical experience in my relationship with him. I talk to my kids like they are adults. I listen and learn and find that yelling is only appropriate after the third time of being ignored. (Yes, yelling is bad, but it is a lot better than a number of things that I have seen parents do, so I make no apologies.) And I love them more than anything else in the world. That is agape.

Getting there was not easy. I learned what love truly was the day my daughter was born, and the day at two weeks when she looked up at me and seemed to recognize me that first time. And for Drew is was a wonderful experience in its own way, but after our separation, his frustrations with and my defensiveness about nearly everything between us was tearing us apart. One morning, while driving him to school, it cracked and I temporarily lost it. I grabbed his arm, and then I realized where I was and what my responsibilities really were. I apologized to him, and that was the point I decided to change. And I am, and we are, better because of it.

But today's picture is about a different kind of love. Little mementos of days gone past, some further than others, but things that all mean something. But those physical things really mean nothing other than as jars for our memories. What I have learned about love is simple: it is not what you get, but how you feel regardless of what you are getting at that moment in time. I realized that love is not about feeling loved, or giving love. It is not about righting the wrongs or feeling guilty. It is not about feeling safe, being satisfied, or fulfilled. Love is quite simply the way I feel about you.

D90 85mm f/1.4 1/200 ISO 400

Birds and Snow

So today, I finally took snow pictures worth sharing. While the one that may be the most exciting or interesting has been posted on my Facebook page, I think this combination was the most fun for me. I woke up, late for a change, and found the snow from Friday continued to fall in earnest. It was a beautiful morning, and the birds were EVERYWHERE. After eating a bit, and begging my dad to bring me my camera bag, I was entranced.

My parents have put up bird feeders all around the house for just this purpose (of which I was previously oblivious) and man, were they hungry and really stood out against the white. I stood in my parents' bathroom and took so many pictures -- bluebirds, cardinals, snowbirds, doves and mouse birds (I suppose that's what they are -- per my parents). Their colors, and frenetic energy, the competition for the thousands of seeds, hiding in the bushes, and prancing around one another.

But these two pictures made me feel that I was being studied as much as I was fascinated by them. The tilt of his head back and forth, was remarkable and something that seemed remarkable to have captured in this way. I guess it's silly but it's another part of my slowing down to appreciate and "see" the world that has been there my whole life, but I completely ignored. Here are the other pics that made the cut from today.

My drive home was uneventful and even driving through Greensboro was not too hard. I am planning to write something long tomorrow for the blog.

Ice, and Snow, and Freaky Lights -- Oh No!

A strange and wonderful day. First, I worked too late last night, and slept too little, as a consequence. In fact, as I write this, I realize that I am almost too tired to write my thoughts and reflections on this day. But alas, that would not be true.

Tonight, it snowed in Banner Elk and Spruce Pine and pretty much everywhere, but I am limited in my exposure since it started after Bill Burleson's funeral today (more about that later this weekend). I have to say, it was fun to be in a place where the sudden deterioration of the weather justified the reaction of folks on the road. It was icy, and people were driving stupid, but damn, it was fun to actually have the tires move around and not have complete control. Respectful driving... a new experience for me! Pretty funny, huh?

I am providing three pics tonight because I could not decide which I preferred. The first is of icicles which were on the side of the Lees-McRae College gymnasium. They were coming off the side of the building and I jumped through a foot of snow to get this one. I loved how it had curved from the wind, and the melting patterns, as if it were molded around an invisible or black pole. Nature's amazing way of having so many variables create something rare, and more beautiful when formed beside a 100 cousins who are all stalactites.

This pic was from this bar in Banner Elk called Zuzda. I met an friend from my entire life growing up to share life stories and memories, and how screwed up life is. Cammy's mom owned the grocery store in the middle of town and she and I were classmates for 10+ years. But it was fun to talk about ex's, new loves, children, people we grew up with and photography.

In the corner of the place (btw, there was a great band of five guys playing who were fun), was this funky light. Once captures, I could not get away from how cool the total effect of the light, the shadows, and the diffusion of reflections caught everything around it. A funky look...

Finally tonight, this stacked snow on stone was a lot of fun. First, the way that the snow fell (and stayed) on the stone was pretty amazing to me. Then the inconsistent variations of the gaps, which ran along the edge of the cube.. but yet also forming a beautiful, natural but not perfect look. Reminds me of a recent article in The New Yorker about a building in Chicago, its architect and how the design both improved wind resistance and created a beautiful, innovative design within a field where ugly boxes dominate.

Tonight, when driving home, and seeing the snow along the side of the road, I was struck by how much difference there is among the scenes I experience here. It almost all evolves around the 2.5 miles of Hickory Nut Gap Road, and color.

This summer for instance, I walked home from Banner Elk on a warm (but not hot) day. It was so enjoyable how on that day, the wind and the weather did not make me either hot or cold, but instead enhanced the green world. Meanwhile winter is about two colors to me -- always -- in Banner Elk: white and brown. The snow covered everything this evening, which is such an amazing analogy of life -- God gives us something beautiful that covers up what is otherwise dead, gone or in hibernation... Because when the snow is gone, winter is all about brown. No leaves, no grass, no life, and no light to bring back joy and hope. Fall is about so many colors that you get overwhelmed, which not a bad thing. Nature's preparation for sleep gives us rich auburns, shocks of yellow and orange while green fades away into the soil for another season's growth.

While that was too flowery, my main point is this: what I see and how I see it differ so much. The curves are the same, the buildings rarely change -- but the flavor of the experience is so fluid. It changes by the time of day, the time of year and the mood of my heart or my companions -- kids or being alone. It highlights how much the ambiance of a scene is set as much as how it appears as what is being said. And I loved how that struck me tonight driving home from having a beer with a long-long friend.

Something different...

So I took this picture of MK this morning as she was getting out of the car. We were late because she didn't feel good and I let her sleep in. When her mother tried to get involved, well... let's just say that David doesn't take well to being treated like he is still married to her. But eventually, at her own pace, Mary Kathryn was moving and ready and we started the day happy.

However Drew's failure to remember his bookbag was the next crisis, which I "resolved' by just not bringing it to him and let him learn the consequences. Yes, he's 10, but there comes a point in time where the relationship between remembering and not remembering has to be grasped. It's not in the owner manual so I thought today was that day... Was I right? Who the hell knows...

I enter this weekend with a heavy heart -- in part because of the funeral I will attend tomorrow afternoon, and in part because of the mixed emotions this Valentine's Day brings to mind. I pray for peace for my heart, calm for my thoughts, hope for tomorrow and a blissful day for those I care about and love.

D90 85mm f/1.4 1/30 ISO 400

My old suitcase...

We are tired, my old bag and I. It looks worse than me, but we've seen many miles, especially this week. I love this companion, even though it is really only good for when I am driving to my overnight since I could never expose it to the madness of airline travel... Besides the ripped handle and a sticky lock, I recently added a toothpaste stain on the inside. But the things I love are the separator inside and the old leather smell that always makes me think about the inside of the trunk at the foot of my grandparents' bed.

The kids are with me tonight, and for that I am blessed again. I do not know if I can make it through the UNC game tonight because I so tired, but I am also not really looking forward to the game either. Low expectations may make it more interesting game.

Three events have brought the week, and life, in focus in the last two days. Having to watch good friends deal with excruciating issues at work, and two different deaths, one affecting Mary Jo (her high school boyfriend died today from meningitis) and the other one of my best friends, Lee Ellis (his long-time business partner and mentor, Bill Burleson, died suddenly yesterday, remind me that life is unpredictable and hard in many ways for many, many people. But I was also reminded how blessed I am to have learned in my own life hard lessons, and am better because of it all.

D90 85mm f/2.0 1/30 ISO 400

This little light...

Sat at dinner with friends from high school, and by the fireplace (which was sadly run by natural gas and not wood logs), this light and its candelabra were providing extra light. I loved it glow, not filling the room with light, but addition character to the setting in a nice way.

That's the way my day has felt in so many ways. That I am that little light, and I am humbled by some of the incredible things that have been said or written to me about this blog. So to all you folks who have read, and commented: Thanks!

I fear I pour my soul out, and hear that I don't. I am simply sharing my walk, in this little way, and feel lost in so many ways... and then to hear that I don't sound as pitiful or stupid as I feel is somewhat reassuring.

Love is a many splendored thing... rarely understood or appreciated, or embraced by the ones who should most enjoy its light and heat... And remembering that it is not its return that matters, simply giving it is all you can do.

D90 85mm f/5.6 1/30 ISO 400

Home Sweet Hotel

OK, I screwed up... big time. Love Hilton, and HHonors, but could not find a hotel where I wanted to be so I went online and found a Hampton in Pisgah Forest, which was supposed to be "close" to Hendersonville. Silly me assumed close meant also close to Forest City. Idiot... So tonight, I wound up 20 miles WEST of Hendersonville so I can drive to Forest City tomorrow 70 minutes away. Brain dead is probably a good term for my state of mind.

I had a long day (there seems to be a pattern here) and yet, tomorrow looks as bad, but not as much driving (besides this screw-up)...

I am tired of being. No, not of being tired. Tired of being...

D90 85mm f/1.4 1/20 ISO 400

Seahorse Chandelier

Today, I had the opportunity to take some photos at a Models for Charity event in Durham at the Cotton Room. An incredible space, with great light, and the fundraiser was for the Me Fine Foundation. I took lots of photos of the models, and the kids who were there to help them raise money, but really liked some of the external sights to be seen.

While a number of things caught my eye (and were captured in a photograph or two), the chandeliers were great. The sun (the wonderful, ball of fusing hydrogen and helium 93 million miles away) was finally unblocked by rain clouds...and it shone through the windows and the skylights through the glass and crystals of this chandelier. And when I saw this picture, I loved the seahorse shape, and pretty much everything about it. So here, I share it.

The rest of my day was mostly good, but felt emptier today than I had for a couple days. I know that this is a journey, and that it's the journey that matters. It tests my patience and my sanity... and nearly consumes me at some point every day... I am sure that it will be better, or worse, or the same tomorrow.

D90 300mm f/8 1/2000 ISO400

Straight Man...

Today was Pinewood Derby Day... kinda. First, Drew did his car a couple weeks ago, but hadn't painted it so last night we put the wheels on it and then Drew decided to paint it. For the record, that is the WRONG order -- paint then wheels... And when we got there for the race, found out that we were supposed to be there two hours earlier to register so he couldn't race. But was Drew upset or disappointed? Nope. Wasn't the way he really wanted to perform so he said: "Let's go walk around."

Before we did, Joe, one of Drew's best friends from church was there too, and his mom (Deanna Branscom) and I snapped a few pics. Joe as usual was playing the straight man. In eight pictures, neither of them changed their facial expressions at all, which was as funny as the face that Drew made to be funny.

Deanna and Mitch are a great couple and incredible people -- a better matched set of people I do not know. Two great kids, great families and genuine, sincere and wonderful adults who can laugh, have serious conversations, drink a beer and would open their house at any time to a friend. In 2007, I had Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas meals with them, almost as the wayward loser brother. I just can't say enough about them (I guess I'm gushing, huh?) The only real problem is their association with the University of Virginia (where Thomas Jefferson worship is the official school religion.)

Slept a little late because the girls stayed up late (I think that 4:30 is late) talking, and I only made it until 3 am. So by the time we all were moving, it was lunch. Pretty sad, but true. After the debacle, came back (after dropping Carolina off at her mom's) and spent the afternoon just relaxing in our own ways...

Two great quotes today - one from me: Southern fiction is never truly fiction... it's someone else's story told with the names changed to protect the guilty, who also happen to be your relatives... I was discussing with a friend about my cousin and her daughter moving back to Banner Elk, after their father/grandfather had left at 18 and raised his daughters in Florida with his artist wife. Just seemed appropriate that the stories behind people's lives, particular in the South, are always so rich and misunderstood.

The second was a beauty from Mary Kathryn... We were discussing a movie and I was trying to tell them something that happened in the last third of the movie (as opposed to at the end of the movie), and Mary Kathryn popped out: "Oh, in the medium well part of the movie!" God, I love how her mind works.

D90 85mm f/5.4 1/320 ISO 400

Spoon

I love the power of a spoon. Tonight, I watched Drew, Mary Kathryn and MK's friend, Caroline (Car-o-li-na) eat their desserts of ice cream and frozen ice and watch Wizards of Waverly Place. In the foreground of this pic, you see the back of Caroline's head, and in the distance is Drew, working hard... All we have of MK is her spoon, and her immaculate fingers. A moment of relaxation, the epitome of a Friday night, captured in just a second.

Today, I worked and had a great meeting and did one of my favorite things in the world: pick up the kids on a Friday afternoon. MK got in the car and almost immediately told me what she needed to do: Target and Dollar Store for some stuff for her secret Valentine, oh and can Caroline come spend the night? When I told her how we could get all that done, she surprised me with "Daddy, I love that you are so flexible... Thanks!"

And if I thought it could get no better, I was wrong. Too many times, the kids, either together or individually, came up to me in Target and just hugged me to tell me that they missed me. Hard to believe that I forget that their amazing love is so durable and everlasting to make everything else in life a little brighter and fun despite the pouring rain and the cold air.

This morning, a strong bit of sadness was clouding over my thoughts and paralyzing me in inaction. Chatting with T, trying to talk about the who and the why, when I got my daily email from Neale Donald Walsch entitled "I Believe God Wants You to Know." I opened it and the tears rushed out. It read:

On this day of your life, David, I believe God wants you to know...

...that you cannot find or create a costume big enough to hide your true self from anyone.

In truth, we're all wearing The Emperor's New Clothes. We parade before the world naked--thinking that no one can see us. Why not just be proudly revealed, and authentically who we are?

And do not worry about being rejected and alone. It is the real you that everyone falls in love with--and that God adores.

You will not have to think but a second to know exactly why you received this message today.

That was how it started, and you see how it ended. Life's amazing experience creating a spoon for my heart, my soul and my spirit.

D90 85mm f/8 1/13 ISO 400

Bowties

I am intrigued by people's reactions to the bowtie. First, and foremost, people make certain assumptions about people who wear them. Some people expect attorneys to wear them. It leaves people with the impression that you are well dressed (see, I fooled them...)

I found a few years ago that being able to tie a bowtie is one of those things that most people cannot do and it really is impressive. Well, I don't know about that, but it was something that I was particularly proud I learned how to do.

I was flying into Cleveland to speak to a group, on my birthday, and spilled something on my tie. I ran into a Brooks Brothers and got talking into buying a bowtie. Once I had fallen for the "you'd look good in a bowtie" line, he taught me how to tie the damn thing... I got it tied, got home, took it off and promptly forgot how to do it. I had to re-teach myself to do and realized for a while that I had to be looking in a mirror to do it right.

But once I learned how to do it without looking (basically it involves thinking backward at the crucial stage of the tying), and to keep the edges straight (the part I struggle with at the tying and the rest of the day), it was fabulous. It still is one of my few party tricks... The looks on people's faces who called bullshit on whether I could retie it, while intoxicated, without a mirror is nearly always priceless...

Tonight, though I was reminded why bowties still touch people in little ways. As I was getting on the plane, the stewardess (is that still the proper term?) asked me if I really tied it. I assured her that I had, and she shared that she'd forgotten how to do it herself but that she used to do it all the time for her grandfather. She was lost for a moment, in that memory and place, and it made the delays, and the rain, and the craziness of getting on a regional jet gone from both our minds. It was an amazingly poignant moment shared, simply because I had a bowtie on.

Proof again that you get what you give.

D90 35mm f/1.2 1/40 ISO 400

Cohen Bros, Jackson, Mississippi

Well that was interesting. Jackson is a very quaint little town, not unlike a lot of other small state capitals. A few observations... First, it was raining THE ENTIRE TIME. Second, I don't know why going to Mississippi makes me think about apartheid. Third, it was raining so much that I had to buy an umbrella. I hate umbrellas.

Today, I spoke to a group of about 140 folks at the Jackson Association of Health Underwriters, first about medical malpractice reform and then answered questions about health care reform, rising costs of health care, and various related topics. It was my favorite environment: answer questions, offer opinions, and be irreverent. All in all, a wonderful 3 hours... followed by six hours getting home. Don't even ask....

This pic is from downtown Jackson, across the street from a brand new hotel. It was really odd, one side of the street was completely renovated, the other looked like this. In fact, a lot of downtown Jackson was in just as dilapidated condition... But this captured the view very well...

D90 85mm f/4 1/2000 ISO 400

Mr. Blue

I am sitting in the E Concourse at the Charlotte airport on my way to Jackson, Mississippi. Obviously I am not in the best mood ever. I hate feeling this way. While the lyrics to Catherine Feeney's song are not gender appropriate for the moment, the title and the associated feelings reflected in that song do reflect my state of mind. (Thanks, T for the referral...)

The only nice thing about this picture is that it proves that the best camera you have is the one that you are using. Otherwise, blah...

MacBook Pro iSight built-in camera

Drowning Groundhogs

Today's trip on the road was very, very wet -- but was not as bad as it really could have been. In five hours of driving (from Morrisville to Concord, then China Grove and Mooresville), the best news was that the temperature hovered slightly above freezing all day. But traffic was awful, the snow on the side of the road was significant and all in all, I got home tonight exhausted.

This photo was taken in the middle of the traffic valley in Greensboro, and epitomized my day.

But the best news of the day was that the damn groundhog could not have seen his shadow any place I went I've been today. I think that means that we are getting closer and closer to the end of this damnable season. The cold air, the depressive gray and empty trees will soon be replaced by warm, and green, and the promise of sap rising and the heart being full again.

Today, the words of Sunday Morning carried me through a couple sad moments and I was thankful for their words, the memory of why that song matters, and of the fingers that played and the voice that first sang them to me so many months ago...

Motorola Droid f/2.8 1/10 ISO 100

Disdain doesn't stop when you turn 20

Please note: this photo was taken with the permission of the subject.

Sitting in the Tampa airport, working (of course) and looked over next to me were a woman and her mother, talking about various things. The daughter obviously could have cared less what her mom was saying and the looks on her face were classic. So I asked if I could take her picture, but only when she had forgotten I was there. She said: "Sure."

So about five minute later, after the anticipation of the photo had worn off, and they were back in their conversation, I caught this moment.

After I shared the photos with them, they loved it. The mom said: "I've only seen that look too many times in my life." It didn't make me feel hopeful for the next ten years of my life.

D90 85mm f/1.4 1/500 ISO 400