Volcano

It seemed like it all came at once. I had a pretty good day, up to that point (well, it is a helluva lot more complicated than just that, but I won't go into here), but a deadly combination of the oppressive heat, stupid acts, feelings of fear and being threatened, and the simply not being a strong enough person to cause me to momentarily lose it.

It started with going to see Knight & Day -- actually a pretty fun movie, but very light on the plot and Tom could not stay in character -- but the AC was busted in the theatre. So why are movies popular in the summer? Because IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE COOL IN THERE... So needless to say, it put me in a dangerous mood because the extreme heat always has and always will...

Then I dropped the kids off at Target while I returned the loaner to pick up my car. I spent about 10 minutes making sure I got everything out and thanking the nice folks at Johnson Lexus. As I walked back out to the car, I noticed a butterfly, floating among the warm air pockets, and being carried across the earth with very little effort. I took its picture -- knowing, with some certainty, that I could relate its occasional flapping of its wings, trying to keep course but really just going where the wind would take it toward what was next.

But by the time I found both kids, the moment was lost. Each were arguing with the other, and trying to shop for groceries became an ordeal. MK making this little snide comment, Drew upset at this perceived slight. By the time I got the call from the dealership, I was primed. "Mr. Smith, we found a pistol in the loaner." Oh shit...

I realized pretty quickly that it was one of Drew's bb guns, which looks very real, but it completely freaked them out and did the same to me. Then a call from work about some BS that was going on that was totally unnecessary just made it worse. So by the time I got off that call, I realized that I pissed beyond belief. Fortunately I didn't lose it -- I just don't do that any more. But the volcano was smoking, the lava pouring from the mountain and destruction was occurring.

By the time I got the pistol (they had already figured out it was not a gun by then so the police weren't there with them when I arrived), got home, discovered chocolate spilled in a door handle, and sat down, I was beat. I realized that the low number of hours of sleep, combined with the whirlwind of the day -- emotionally and otherwise, meant I was exhausted. So I did the only responsible thing: I stopped and calmed myself down. With that, the day and evening resumed with some peace and I just accepted responsibility for the circumstances and apologized. I felt stronger by the second.

I still don't know a lot about my heart, its place, or what I am doing. But I know, based on the conversation with my counselor tonight, that I am going to give it all I have... It is the most certain feeling in my head and my heart, and I refuse to just give up. If you ain't done, I will hold out hope for the day to come. It's all I can do.

Someday is not a cop out for never. Someday will come. In the meantime, I will let the warm air move me along, and stop trying to flap my wings to go a place that I am not supposed to go to...