Random thoughts for a random day...

After being out of town for a number of days (specifically twelve), there is a lot to do. Happy, I was able to get everything on my errand list done today, with a surprising number of things on my otherwise lengthy to-do list completed as well. But that does not mean that there is nothing left to do -- just the opposite -- but the collection of random acts resulted in a number of random thoughts popping up as the day went along.

First, I have to mention this wonderful video about the new book of one of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman. He's written Blueberry Girl, a book of wishes for a growing girl that echoed well my hopes for my own daughter. It sounds like a great book for anyone raising a young woman, so that she knows her father's prayers for her.

I also found this note that I started writing in San Francisco and never finished. I was sitting at dinner with Mary Kathryn. As I sat there, I wrote: "Being urbane and not a tourist is fucking hard. I sat in a bar on Post with MK, wearing a Cal Bears hat, with my Nikon and flash on my shoulder, and wanting so badly to just seem like a normal guy in San Fran. And I am failing so badly... The idea of fitting it, and being unable to do it while carrying my artistic lifeblood creates such conflict in my mind.

"I find I work hard every day to 'be cool' and have done so since I was very young. And in retrospect, what I have come to realize is that trying to fit in is something at which I inevitably fail. However when I am just myself, it is when I am at my best. So I must try to just do that."

And with that, my camera, my daughter and my time were much better enjoyed.

Which lead me to find this quote which I had copied off someone's status message a few weeks ago: "It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself." While the author was not known or simply unidentified, I found that this is so true, and an intimidating prospect. "Who am I?" is a question I often consider passively, and can get swallowed in when it becomes an active consideration. But I think we all find ourselves defined by others, and we should only be who we are and no one else.

So the theme continued into a long exchange of thoughts about how we are and who we love can vary, in terms of what we want and what we have. I found it helpful and assuring, but not the way a little letter, preceded by another, can change my feeling in a single moment.

Continuing my trend in sharing what others wrote, I also want to share from Jeannie's blog: "Sometimes we live on the surface of life because we tend to collect things. In relationships there's baggage. In housekeeping there's clutter. In creativity there's the muckity mud that slows the ideas. In daily life there's so much scheduled that it all gets mired into one undefined lump of matter. There's so much clutter...too much to deal with in a busy life.

When we are [in the mountains for the summer], I am happy to do, happy to be, happy to have fewer things to deal with. When I am at home, the clutter...the clothes, the school books, the toys, the dishes, the dust bunnies take over...I can't relax because there's always so much clutter to deal with that it's in the murky depths of the back of my mind.

How can I transfer this life to that life?

How can I intermingle the two so that this doesn't feel like two lives?

...to say no to things and commitments and negative emotions?

...say yes to people and creativity and love?

How do you make this happen in your own life?"

The short answer is clear: you must commit to the people who inspire creativity and both give and accept love in the most clear way possible. For me, I keep my eyes open, my heart ready to receive and accept that my foundation is strong enough to carry me through today, and tomorrow, and beyond.

Finally, I close with this relevant quote about so much in life: “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing.” Stacey Charter, cancer survivor.

The call never comes, until it comes. If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.