Family Reunion

This weekend is always my father's family reunion -- something I believe I have only missed once in the last twelve years. But it is something that my attendance is expected -- by my father, and by my family members. He accepts no excuse for the failure to appear. And if showed without at least one apple pie in my hand, I would not be allowed to hear the gun go off. It truly is one of those aspects of my existence that I have come to know is simply by which I am defined to my uncles, my cousins and other folks who show up...

But I enjoyed some good green beans, and great corn, and my mom's chicken & dumplings, and listened to folks talk about the kind of things that people who are related to each other, but rarely share air or food with one another: dead relatives, how you are related, work, random happenings in their respective lives, and why we don't get together more. And the space between them are filled with life, death, disagreements, love and great and horrible, all tied up with a pretty bow.

And the pie pans went home, scrapped clean. Til next July, huh?

A lot in my head...

...none of it is getting out of my fingers on to the screen.

Here are a couple pics for the day: A funny pic of Drew from the new porch and a pretty good moon shot from tonight. Kids and I went to Johnson City to watch Dinner for Schmucks -- a waste of money, but that's another thing all together.

No pic -- exhausted...

Woke up at 6 am, realizing I won't wake up in my bed again until August 9th. So I got up and cleaned my condo, packed for 10 days, and got Drew up and headed off to Durham. Then the weird news started flowing -- Drew going to stay in fifth grade, and the results of his academic testing was that he was in the superior average scale, which I don't really know what that means. Could be either on the superior side of average or the average side of superior. Very confusing these academic terms.

Lots of eye opening lines from his therapist today, who I got a letter from in the mail. Then a nice note from a guy I sold a lens to last week. And a bill or two.

Got told this morning that my dad has a wee bit of cancer, which caused me to kick straight into problem solver mode. Talked to my mom about it for about 30 minutes, and 10 minutes with him. Then spent about 30 minutes with a good friend who is a oncology radiation specialist about treatment options. With a healthy dose of worry, concern, fear, and prayer mixed into the day.

One of my Sunday School class members died this morning. Dot was a good soul -- loved to talk, and play goldf, and had a long life raising a child who lived to middle age with a lifelong terminal disease (and who passed about three years ago). She and her husband Bob are both great people, and will keep him and their family in my prayers...

Too many work issues to articulate, and lots of meetings during the day. Did get to see my favorite three words pop up on my phone thrice today. But I end this day with so much exhaustion...

Sorry no pic. Way too much going on.

Dead Insect Parts

No hangover but feeling rough this morning, and made sitting in a room for eight hours tough, but had a good time with my friends. Had a great set of meetings, and a lot of work done today (while I was totally paying attention to everything being said). I suppose I most appreciated the opportunity to help in whatever way I could, and to feel valued for the work I do.

Once home (after rescuing Drew from a frustrated mom), proceeded to rest but found a dead bee on top of the power distribution box in my yard. Drew had about 10 theories of what had happened (he was electrocuted, he was attacked by a bug, his stinger was missing so he must have stung someone, etc.) and I was intrigued. He was coated in pollen, and laying on his left sided, and I just hated not knowing what happened... made me fear the bee disease, and the Einstein quote that all life would end on earth within four years of the death of bees. Undoubtedly it is true.

Interestingly, there was another insect's leg (and nothing else) about eight inches from the bee, and that was the cooler pic and the greater unknown. The entire bee is apparently not as yummy as the rest of the insect who was survived by a leg, and a few thousand relatives.

A nice call to surprise me and a great day overall...

Good Eats: Roast Grill

Interesting how certain things change how I approach tasks or responsibilities I used to summarily ignore. For instance, yesterday I realized that the change oil light came on in my car. In the past, a minor annoyance; now it sparked an immediate call to the dealership to get it resolved. So I spent a part of my morning in the private offices there while the 5,000 mile service was done. Oh, I know... I couldn't believe it either.

On my way to Fayetteville, stopped to buy a lens and to grab a couple dogs at Roast Grill. It is a great, old place, and the dogs are always good. I feel like I've mentioned it before.... hmm... anyway, I walked in on a guy who was arguing with the owner (who is prone to argue anyway) about whether or not he had given him a $5 or $1 for some gum he bought. Clearly an attempt to "flim flam" him (first time I'd heard an adult use those words in a while, ya know...).

Worked in the office and getting ready to go to dinner, and have drinks with my co-workers. Should be a fun night that I hope we all remember and survive.

Drugs

...legal or otherwise, change people's lives. Had a long talk with a friend about love of ganja and how it's kept her young, and how she hadn't drunk alcohol in nearly 15 years. For me, drugs have literally saved my life.

I have high blood pressure. For the years before Christmas 2008, my doctors prescribed me a long list of medications to keep it in check, and I rarely took them. Oh I'd take 'em for a while, then not. I just never figured that it would really matter. It was just some silly medical condition that I worrying about was something other people did. Then it happened. I woke up that Monday morning, scared the hell out of my kids, my family and my love, and spent a few days at Duke — all because I was too damn stupid to take care of myself.

Now I take them every day, and am better because of it. My blood pressure the day I was admitted to Duke was 180/150. My last reading was 92/78.

The other great prescription drug I take is for ADD. I feel capable to get done what my otherwise miswired brain cannot get done -- focus on a single task. I love how I feel, until it goes away. That is the down side -- and it makes me completely understand why some live off of certain drugs. I hate the feeling of invincibility I lose when it goes away in the middle afternoon. And I know that it is the consequence, the trade off for those moments of clarity, of being well. What makes it worse is that nagging association I have with the loneliness at the end of the day — a pattern I will one day break.

This creates a conflict in my own head, in my responsibility as a parent. Last week I heard that Drew's ADD was a "mild" case, per his therapist, according to his mother. Today, I heard quite the contrary from the therapist himself. That unwillingness to consider the positives and the negatives — to only focus on the worst possible outcome — is irresponsible to me. Like nearly everything in life, there are tradeoffs. From my perspective, I don't want him to suffer any more in the classroom, in his social interactions, or otherwise. And I can't allow anyone to selfishly put their perspective ahead of his any longer.

So Nancy, I will do drugs, responsibly and legally. It will keep me healthy, allow me to focus on what is truly most important and let my son reach his potential. And others will make their own decisions.

Sorry for the diatribe. It's better than the one I started on fear.

Rose at Ivan's House

I love finding quotes that connect with me the second I read them: "Passions won't fade if you find new ways to nurture them each day."

Cleaning day. Watched Inception (which was freaking incredible). Thought of some more broader topics I want to write on. Was disappointed by a couple friends. Found myself nearing the end of the evening with the reality that my daughter broke her toe in frustration, my ex-wife asked me to take Drew nearly every night this week when MK is out of town, and that Drew loves being with me as much as he enjoys anything in life. And yet, at the end of the day, I remain filled with the reality of who I am -- am is a great way to be.

Learning to Walk

It was a hot day -- Drew and I didn't venture out until midday, and then wen to the flea market, where we got thoroughly boiled while searching for the relevant and irrelevant. But I love his insatiable curiosity when he is in that setting... I watched him interact with folks who run the coin shop (and who know him well from Raleigh Coin Club and his occasional visits/interrogations to the market about what the most valuable coin he can buy for $1.00. But they love to feed him new knowledge, and I just love watching him stick that straw in his mouth and fill up...

After two movies (and wondering why we even came out to the car after the second one), we came home to rest. But this thought struck me how much of my life, I feel like I've had to learn to walk again. The first time I went to see a movie in May of last year, I didn't even make it through 20 minutes. Now I can go all the way through the movie, but I always think of my movie mate... Lots of pieces of my life like that, even today, but every little step gets me stronger.

And some things just can't be relearned...

Bonnie

Tropical Storm Bonnie was a LOT of fun. Up waaaay too late last night, up too early so I could make my flight and the three hour trip to Key West took about four hours because (1) it was during the day, (2) there was hundred times more traffic and (3) there was this little wind and rain storm that I had to go through to make it back.

But the traffic, the missed turn (because of being on a conference call) that resulted in me driving through downtown Miami but I made it safely, not even hungover and actually got everything through security.

Once home, got the kids (and shuffling Mary Kathryn around before she wound up going to the mountains with her friend Caroline) and got home to sit and rest with Drew. Glad to be home... and what the hell -- it's hot as hell here.

Everytime I think about marriage I think back to what she wrote that January morning, why it took me four months to read it because of my own guilt and how the reality of love and coming together in that special way really is something I no longer fear.

Wedding on the beach

...I spent a long day in Key West today, doing about everything I could to simply enjoy the day. I walked around Duval Street, had a great breakfast, bought some cool things and had a Rum Runner in a cool to-go cup while driving around downtown. Gerald and I had freshly caught grouper sandwich with beer, and caught up on life before the big event.

I walked with Melanie down the aisle, once we figured out we were supposed to walk between the shells, and then she went the rest of the way on her own, as it should be. The ceremony was wonderful, affirming and full of the joy you would expect between two people who clearly love each other as much as they do. The small group of friends, standing around them, in the sun, and the Atlantic as the backdrop truly was enough, at times, to make you tear up.

The dinner (at Blue Heaven) and the drinking and the celebrating afterwards in Sloppy Joe's was a lot of fun, but the celebration of two lives brought together reminded me that love can be manifested in faith, truth and patience.

Congrats to Mel and Gerald!

Vacation Drive

After a long day, and a delayed trip into Fort Lauderdale, I got on the road about 10:40 or so tonight... for the 180+ mile trip to Key West.

I'm going down here because a friend of mine is getting married tomorrow on the beach. I've never been to Key West -- which is a little shocking to me. It's a quick trip; I am going home on Friday. So I splurged and rented a Mustang convertible.

After five minutes of trying to get used to driving such a radically different vehicle than I normally push down the highway, I opened it up on the Florida Turnpike, with the top down and the radio turned up so all I could hear was music. No pop. No rap. No country -- just classic rock... LOUD... and it was a joyous few hours down.

I thought, but not too much. I sang, but no one cared. The wind was blowing in the hairs in back and on the side (and did the aerodynamic thing over the pitiful ones on top of my head), and the moon and I raced for the horizon. She was beautiful tonight, and was only occasionally joined by a cloud. She danced on the right side for a while, then on the left. Never behind me, I only chased her a couple times.

The drive was a vacation all in itself. There was no deadline, no one expecting me. I knew my destination and the surprises to be found were the roads, the accoutrement along the way and it was the best analogy for my life. I could have been mad, or sad, or just devoid of emotion for the drive. I might have been justified in doing or feeling lots of things during those three hours, but I did what God intended: I just was. I smiled at the little things, a song I hadn't heard in a while, or the occasional memory or thought that ran through my mind. I called Drew's cell phone -- not because he would answer it (hell, he probably doesn't know where it is and the battery is dead), but to just hear his absolutely hilarious voice: "Hi, this is Drew..."

The humid air rushed beside me on the Seven Mile Bridge (which at 115, did not take that long) and I passed by folks paving or those driving south on US 1 and knew everyone had a story, and a reason for being there tonight.

When I crossed the last bridge on to Key West, I smiled. Not the joy of reaching my destination, nor the idea that I could get some sleep. I just relished in the fact that I had gotten the most restful few minutes, a relaxation through the journey that I didn't expect when I dreadfully got into the car 180 minutes earlier. I pulled into the little parking lot and checked into my bungalow and chatted with the bride to be for a few minutes, while I got my stuff in.

Then I closed the door, and saw the moon still racing ahead of me. She beat me to the horizon.

Gifts

The wonder of a gift is always amazing. It can make you change so much about how you view a day. I think about little things given -- like my aunt giving me some red raspberry jelly, in part because she knew how much I love it, and jelly instead of jam since I really cannot eat fruit with little seeds.

Sometimes those gifts show up in the form of a wrapped present; other times they are as simple as a note. Today, I received a wonderful gift in words that made my day, even though it was someone else's birthday. Odd how it all works, huh?

Happy Birthday, rdh...

At a loss for words...

The most comfortable thing I've seen all day...

A nice little baby bird, looking up for food, and its mommie...

The universe sending me a sign?

I like a Sunday where...

...I wake up with my kids here, and make them country ham and eggs for breakfast, and Drew starts his day with a hug because he just wanted to hug me.

... I take them back to Durham but after we had great time together. Yes, there were some moments of sadness when they got out of my car, and I felt a little guilty at the relief that I might get some things done this afternoon. But the idea of being a dad to them, providing for them, is such a blessing to me.

... I actually get some things cleaned up (but not enough), and get ready for my week. I finished a big presentation for in the AM, and have about four conference calls tomorrow but I also got what I needed to get together to take to Greensboro tomorrow and get my last "job" done as a member of the NCAHU board.

... I keep so much on my heart, and in my head, but keep it all in balance.

Now I lay me down to sleep...

Celebrating life...

Woke up super early today -- someone near me was hammering on their wall at 5 am, which is always the best time to hang something up.

Once Drew and I got to Greenville (or rather, when Drew woke up in Greenville), the day had started in full... at 8:30 am, on a Saturday. But the best part of my day was before 9 am when I stood in the bathroom and listened to the color commentary on life, changing clothes, the smell of the bathroom and pretty much any other random thought that came into his head while he was dressing. And, at the end of that process, after getting his wild mane in control, he decided he needed a hat. The boy undoubtedly has his own sense of fashion.

The next four hours were a bit of a whirlwind, with visitation, isolation, celebration, and perspiration, ending in Bethel, at the cemetery, in the hot sun, listening to taps, and watching the flag be folded. There were lots of reminders of my place in that family, but at the end I was proud to see my children showing their respect, and glad that I had chosen to be there and say goodbye to Uncle Doug.

It was weird to be in Greenville, for a number of reasons. Mary Jo's family are long-time Pitt County residents, and I have been there so many times in the last 20 years that I have been there because of a family need, or a holiday. And driving into town really was almost old hand. But when I turned off Charles Blvd, onto 5th Street, another set of memories came out. I remembered Matthew and Ann's wedding, and the second time we saw each other. And I was suddenly lost in thought...

I also had the chance to remember my favorite Chesson relative (technically she was a Spruill who married a Chesson). Doug and Mary's mother was a great person, an engaging personality and had a wit that could not be matched. She was always sharp, right to the very end, and was someone I loved to spend time with. Mrs. Chesson -- her full legal name was Stella Marie Spruill Chesson -- just always brought you in and you loved her for it. One Christmas eve we spent in her house in Bethel, only to be woke up at 4 am when the train rolled through town on the tracks that we less than 50 feet from the house.

Got home with Mary Kathryn, who was tired as hell from her week at Passport, and slept a big part of the trip back and then for a couple hours after we got home. Gave me a chance to watch Good Will Hunting, an incredibly well written movie that I hadn't watched in a very long time. I can't encourage you to watch it enough. It's that good.

My favorite line: Do what's in your heart, son, and you'll be ok... I completely agree.

Then after bringing Drew back, I saw the image that became tonight's picture. The effect of the water on the back-up camera, and the warning message seemed like a fun photo to share.

Memories on her birthday...

I remember the day she was born, my niece, watching her grow up and being proud of her triumphs, her disappointments and her pure humanity.

Today would have been Charlie's 23rd birthday had she not been killed by a drunk driver in October. She was a friend, a mentor, a caring soul and unafraid to be herself.

On this day, I keep her in my thoughts, my sister, brother-in-law and niece Samantha in my prayers, and live up to what she believed possible -- that all people are worthy of being loved and everyone can meet their potential.

Charleston, West Virginia

Today was a long day, but one of those rare times where I rode in the car for lots and lots of hours in a single day and wasn't impossibly depressed at the end of it. I started the day very early and enjoyed a number of aspects of the drive up. First, I have to say that Pilot Mountain might be one of the coolest geological oddities I know of. I think it's actually far more interesting than the Grand Canyon.

Someone told me the other day that the stone was formed that way around the big pinnacle because it is of a kind of rock that does not erode the way others have around it and therefore survives the aging process of our planet. I sincerely wish I cared about that as much as I just like the way it looks over Highway 52 on my way north this morning.

And no, of course I wasn't driving when I took this picture.

The second cool aspect of the drive north along Interstate 77 is that there are two very old tunnels that you have to travel through to get to West Virginia. They are a marvel of engineering -- poking a mighty hole through a mountain, while preserving the nature and shape of the landscape.

I like the little features like the little hills in each one, the way you are supposed to stay within your lane throughout the trip and that the signage for each is done in cool Art Deco scripts to make you feel like you are doing something special.

I got to see the "alternative" (which I am becoming convinced is as offensive as scraping the top of mountains off to mine coal) is digging a huge ditch and building a road right through it. Along the West Virginia Turnpike, I saw something that I'm sure sounded like progress where a huge scar was opened on the mountain to replace a tunnel.

And if you take a picture with the shutter open longer than you planned, you get a really cool effect while driving through the Big Walker Mountain Tunnel. At least, hypothetically...

From a stationary perspective, I got to capture the dome of the State Capitol of West Virginia. It dominates the scene along the river in Charleston, and is frankly the most beautiful state capitol building in the country -- at least that I've ever seen.

Obviously the traditional color of gold is a reflection of the money made in this state from its natural resources being pulled from the ground. There's a lot to be said about the dichotomy of the gold against the significant poverty rampant throughout the state. But sometimes you have to enjoy the place, and forget the surroundings, and this building truly is an amazing sight to behold.

I was successful in my primary purpose from traveling to Charleston (had to deal with a matter involving the insurance department there) and only took advantage of the little bit of time I had to walk around before the appointment in the Farmer's Market. The flowers and food grown and sold in the summer sun were the perfect form of relaxation after the drive but before the meeting to get in the right frame of mind.

This flower was but a part of the collection there, but my favorite one because of the star within its centerpiece.

My snarky horoscope this week was insightful, I believe... "Thou shalt not kill" is a crucial rule for you to follow, and not just in the literal sense. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you should also be extra vigilant as you avoid more metaphorical kinds of destruction. Please be careful not to unleash ill-chosen words that would crush someone's spirit (including your own).

Don't douse newly kindled fires, don't burn recently built bridges, and don't deprive fresh sprouts of the light they need to keep growing. To put this all in a more positive frame: It's time for you to engage in a reverent and boisterous celebration of life, nurturing and fostering and stimulating everywhere you go.

Never ignore signals that the universe gives, right?

Lost in Thought

It's amazing how something negative can consume you. A little word, a random thought, a moment of dejá vu can cause you to get lost in thought. I have struggled for years with this, but today I found myself empty out three or four times today for no good reason. I think I need to get some sleep.

So much more to say, but I really just can't get the thoughts out of my head, and into my fingers so that they make sense.

Help, and Love...

Today, I woke up at 4 am with odd dreams, that of which I cannot remember many details. Sat in a long meeting, listening to people complaining and directing them toward problem solving and then drove to Banner Elk to have dinner with my parents and see some friends who were at Lees McRae for Frolic...

As my day winds down, I feel exhausted. But this photo of a bird, getting his bath any way he could, brings a little smile to my face...

We help those we love not for thanks, or in expectation of anything, but because it is all we can do. It is the nature of love. Love is complicated that way.

Comfort Food for heart, soul and body...

A few things to think about today. First, the passing of a man who I dearly loved, but lost my relationship with because of my decision to no longer be married to his niece. Doug was a good man and a gentle soul, and someone that the ravages of a stroke destroyed nearly everything that was great about him. I remember hitting it off with him almost immediately after meeting him, early in the engagement period with Mary Jo, and our common interests in computers, arguing and peacemaking, and love for his mother, helped us be good friends.

Doug's death was long in coming, for he had been very sick for a number of years. My greatest regret was that I never made a strong enough attempt to reconcile with him. I accept that the decision we made to end our marriage hurt Mary Jo more than me, and that is was his responsibility to worry about her. But I always cared for Doug and his death, even though a positive thing for him, means that I will live with that loss.

I am trying to do a little more prayer in my life, and the news of the last few days makes it even more critically important. I have prayed the same core prayer for over a year -- thanking God for my children, for RDH, for my family and my friends. For Christ's sacrifice and for the day ending or the one about to begin. I used to carry a list of folks for whom I needed to pray and added it to my list recently because so many people lately need prayer. Today I heard about a friend whose cancer has returned, and I think about my friends who are suffering through their own pain and suffering or helping a family member through their own.

I'm not always sure what prayer does, but it at least extends a positive thought of comfort, of healing and assurance for someone who may not otherwise have it. It can be strengthening, and frankly I believe it has the ability to carry the light to those who need it, whether they know it or not.

Today I was comforted by helping someone I care for greatly, my son being thankful for little things and a few minutes of careful meditation about confidence and patience.

Comfort food comes in many forms. I am going to crawl in bed in a few and enjoy the seventh book again... for the fourth time. Well, the fourth book always was my favorite.

Sunday Sermon

This morning, a friend told me that reading my blog was like a Sunday sermon. I don't really know what to think of that, but the impact of honesty on others is refreshing, but not my objective.

Today, my day was dominated by the World Cup championship game. I wore my Netherlands cap I bought in San Francisco and pulled hard for them through 120+ minutes of the battle. But the win by España was well deserved.

With a great evening of Drew coming to a close -- we saw The Last Airbender -- I am a bit reflective on the day, where I am and where I am not. The more I try, the more it becomes obvious that I am not yet ready to do that. "I'm not better because I believe I never stop. I never stop because I believe I am better." Never stop.

A good breakfast, and a rainbow to end the day...

I woke up late and made breakfast -- eggs and bacon on bagel with a collection of Bing and Rainier cherries to accompany it. Went outside to eat it sitting on a wicker chair that I've had for years and just enjoyed the heat and the lower humidity for the brief period of morning I had.

Had a few minutes to read what my friends have written lately. My friend Gene had as his status message today: "The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well." — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Reminded me of a conversation with my minister last year where he reminded me of our obligation as Christians to love your neighbor as we love ourselves. His point to me was that you need to love yourself, which I was obviously was my (and remains) greatest fault. It makes me work harder every day to get to that point in life and I am glad that I am better than I was.

It took me too long to realize that there is a balance between arrogance and self-love and getting there is more important than a lot of other things.

I had a number of friends comment on my weight/haircut comment from last week and I wanted to report that I have lost 10 lbs from where I was last week. I knew the traveling and everything else had caught up on me and it just took a return to schedule to get me back on the road to where I really wanted to be, weight-wise.

I am writing a note to a good friend that I lost because of my mistakes last year and may share some of it here but I was struck, in the last couple days, how we are all responsible for ourselves -- our emotions, our decisions, and our relationships with others. The most important thing I can be is honest and forthright and unashamed of how I feel and move forward from there.

Great rainbow over downtown Raleigh tonight at a friend's birthday part closed out the day.

Hmmm....

Life is a mystery -- one filled with responsibility to others, and to yourself. Clarity is not always there, but so many things in life are about perspective.

Volcano

It seemed like it all came at once. I had a pretty good day, up to that point (well, it is a helluva lot more complicated than just that, but I won't go into here), but a deadly combination of the oppressive heat, stupid acts, feelings of fear and being threatened, and the simply not being a strong enough person to cause me to momentarily lose it.

It started with going to see Knight & Day -- actually a pretty fun movie, but very light on the plot and Tom could not stay in character -- but the AC was busted in the theatre. So why are movies popular in the summer? Because IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE COOL IN THERE... So needless to say, it put me in a dangerous mood because the extreme heat always has and always will...

Then I dropped the kids off at Target while I returned the loaner to pick up my car. I spent about 10 minutes making sure I got everything out and thanking the nice folks at Johnson Lexus. As I walked back out to the car, I noticed a butterfly, floating among the warm air pockets, and being carried across the earth with very little effort. I took its picture -- knowing, with some certainty, that I could relate its occasional flapping of its wings, trying to keep course but really just going where the wind would take it toward what was next.

But by the time I found both kids, the moment was lost. Each were arguing with the other, and trying to shop for groceries became an ordeal. MK making this little snide comment, Drew upset at this perceived slight. By the time I got the call from the dealership, I was primed. "Mr. Smith, we found a pistol in the loaner." Oh shit...

I realized pretty quickly that it was one of Drew's bb guns, which looks very real, but it completely freaked them out and did the same to me. Then a call from work about some BS that was going on that was totally unnecessary just made it worse. So by the time I got off that call, I realized that I pissed beyond belief. Fortunately I didn't lose it -- I just don't do that any more. But the volcano was smoking, the lava pouring from the mountain and destruction was occurring.

By the time I got the pistol (they had already figured out it was not a gun by then so the police weren't there with them when I arrived), got home, discovered chocolate spilled in a door handle, and sat down, I was beat. I realized that the low number of hours of sleep, combined with the whirlwind of the day -- emotionally and otherwise, meant I was exhausted. So I did the only responsible thing: I stopped and calmed myself down. With that, the day and evening resumed with some peace and I just accepted responsibility for the circumstances and apologized. I felt stronger by the second.

I still don't know a lot about my heart, its place, or what I am doing. But I know, based on the conversation with my counselor tonight, that I am going to give it all I have... It is the most certain feeling in my head and my heart, and I refuse to just give up. If you ain't done, I will hold out hope for the day to come. It's all I can do.

Someday is not a cop out for never. Someday will come. In the meantime, I will let the warm air move me along, and stop trying to flap my wings to go a place that I am not supposed to go to...

Weird collections, and hot day...

I collect weird stuff. I still keep my comic books from my childhood, and love pottery, first edition books, campaign buttons and North Caroliniana (material about the state). I think I get this weird obsession about collecting from my mom, and her Aunt Haddie, who is the family example of why you shouldn't have too much stuff as the dust may take over the house.

But I am particularly proud of my Piedmont gate posters. Yes, a terribly weird thing to collect, but it goes all the way back to college. I had this really cool Washington poster that had the dome of the Capitol with the simple Washington DC and the official tagline: "Piedmont. The Up and Coming Airline." It was a dominating image that seemed to epitomize what someone visiting the town might see.

One of the core fights of my late marriage was my decision to purchase a big collection of Piedmont gate posters. It nearly completed my grouping, and was a great find at a great price. But this idea was a decision that was not universally agreed upon... well, like many things, it was never meant to be a partnership so it became one more piece of evidence of what I needed to do to get away.

So today I got one of the missing pieces -- which is ironic in so many ways. First, it was one of the rare Chicago posters. Second, I just got back from... oh yeah, you probably already know that. Third, it's got a sculpture by Picasso that is in Chicago -- see, I told you he had one! So here is my new Chicago poster. One day, I will hang them all or just keep them.

Oh, and it was hot here today. Really hot.

Avoidance is not something I do. I manage so much every day to not go over the edge. It's all going to be ok in time.

Random thoughts for a random day...

After being out of town for a number of days (specifically twelve), there is a lot to do. Happy, I was able to get everything on my errand list done today, with a surprising number of things on my otherwise lengthy to-do list completed as well. But that does not mean that there is nothing left to do -- just the opposite -- but the collection of random acts resulted in a number of random thoughts popping up as the day went along.

First, I have to mention this wonderful video about the new book of one of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman. He's written Blueberry Girl, a book of wishes for a growing girl that echoed well my hopes for my own daughter. It sounds like a great book for anyone raising a young woman, so that she knows her father's prayers for her.

I also found this note that I started writing in San Francisco and never finished. I was sitting at dinner with Mary Kathryn. As I sat there, I wrote: "Being urbane and not a tourist is fucking hard. I sat in a bar on Post with MK, wearing a Cal Bears hat, with my Nikon and flash on my shoulder, and wanting so badly to just seem like a normal guy in San Fran. And I am failing so badly... The idea of fitting it, and being unable to do it while carrying my artistic lifeblood creates such conflict in my mind.

"I find I work hard every day to 'be cool' and have done so since I was very young. And in retrospect, what I have come to realize is that trying to fit in is something at which I inevitably fail. However when I am just myself, it is when I am at my best. So I must try to just do that."

And with that, my camera, my daughter and my time were much better enjoyed.

Which lead me to find this quote which I had copied off someone's status message a few weeks ago: "It's so lonely when you don't even know yourself." While the author was not known or simply unidentified, I found that this is so true, and an intimidating prospect. "Who am I?" is a question I often consider passively, and can get swallowed in when it becomes an active consideration. But I think we all find ourselves defined by others, and we should only be who we are and no one else.

So the theme continued into a long exchange of thoughts about how we are and who we love can vary, in terms of what we want and what we have. I found it helpful and assuring, but not the way a little letter, preceded by another, can change my feeling in a single moment.

Continuing my trend in sharing what others wrote, I also want to share from Jeannie's blog: "Sometimes we live on the surface of life because we tend to collect things. In relationships there's baggage. In housekeeping there's clutter. In creativity there's the muckity mud that slows the ideas. In daily life there's so much scheduled that it all gets mired into one undefined lump of matter. There's so much clutter...too much to deal with in a busy life.

When we are [in the mountains for the summer], I am happy to do, happy to be, happy to have fewer things to deal with. When I am at home, the clutter...the clothes, the school books, the toys, the dishes, the dust bunnies take over...I can't relax because there's always so much clutter to deal with that it's in the murky depths of the back of my mind.

How can I transfer this life to that life?

How can I intermingle the two so that this doesn't feel like two lives?

...to say no to things and commitments and negative emotions?

...say yes to people and creativity and love?

How do you make this happen in your own life?"

The short answer is clear: you must commit to the people who inspire creativity and both give and accept love in the most clear way possible. For me, I keep my eyes open, my heart ready to receive and accept that my foundation is strong enough to carry me through today, and tomorrow, and beyond.

Finally, I close with this relevant quote about so much in life: “Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing.” Stacey Charter, cancer survivor.

The call never comes, until it comes. If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

Raspberries

Fell asleep too late last night, watching Top Shot with Drew, and woke up at 6:30 am because my body knew it was a Monday. So I crawled out of bed, read the night's news and emails and got ready to come home. Collecting the various pieces of Drew and Mary Kathryn's leavings around momma and daddy's house, I moved slowly to keep the sleeping breathes from being interrupted too early. And then I moved outside to see what else I could find before I headed off.

So in the garden, I found raspberries growing there in various states. I don't think I had ever seen them before they became fruit, and loved their transformation from wee little flower to seedy berry before my very eyes. They were ripe in one place and just barely a bud in others, but the ones worth picking were perfect, and the morning light made them even more beautiful.

Once we were on the road, it was a restful and restless three hours. Freshly cut hair offset by the comments about a few extra pounds from my two weeks on the road, I felt better having the road home in front of me and home behind me for a few weeks. My mind racing, and heart wistful, but I also felt the need to apologize to the kids for my occasionally short fuse with their banter. That inability to be mindful of my present and calm in spirit reverberates around me and while I could justify it, I won't since it truly is a part of the need to find what's next.

So I saw the process God laid out for making a wonderful product, and it brought me to a point of knowing that I am just a part of that process too...

Fireworks

Started the day a little late before heading off to church. It was a day where I feared I was going to feel the need to defend myself -- politically, theologically or otherwise -- but that never actually occurred. I guess there is an element of who I am that I feel the need to stand up for in so many ways that I have to figure out why that is.

Read my friend Jeannie's blog and really got a lot of good from it. She wrote a couple entries about attachment and the difficulty we have focusing on the now and concentrating on the future. My favorite line: "We sometimes forget to enjoy right now because we are so worried about how it will end. It all ends...childhood, vacation, life, lemon pie...we can only hope to make the most of this moment."

After a nice long nap (and a series of unusual dreams), spent a long time this evening in conversation and trying to get my stuff together to go home tomorrow. It's been nearly two weeks since I slept in my own bed and I am frankly looking forward to those familiar few square feet.

Tonight, the fireworks at Elk River were great. I had a handful of good pics but really liked the two I chose for the blog. Then afterwards went to Derrick's so that the kids could set off the rest of their fireworks. Thankfully had a lighter from a night of driving around Gboro and it made the night a little less stressful. But for some reason, I got to bed this evening feeling a little anxious, not very happy for some unknown reason and thinking that the trip home tomorrow will bring me back to center.

Will close with a conversation I had last night with my cousin and the meaning of being a Smith. That Smithness causes us to be less than always tolerant and a little more gruff, according to Caitlyn. I guess I can see that in the Smith men I know well, and I guess it was a perspective that I needed, and giving me something else to work on.

Happy Fourth of July.

Third of July in Banner Elk

Continuing a feeling I had yesterday, there is a little bit of this weekend that feels like an echo of last year. Not as much sadness, a little more confidence and the same level of uncertainty but stronger in so many ways. It is so odd to think how much different my life is today than it was fifteen months ago, and yet to feel so empty and clear at the same time. Maddening...

But with the parade, and fireworks, and the Smith Mtn picnic and drinks with my cousin Caitlyn, I had plenty of distractions. Plus I got to watch España score in the last minutes of a great game. And the kids were fantastic. Drew rode with my mom in her Garden Club "float" while Kaylee and Mary Kathryn walked the animals -- Spots the Goat and daddy's dog, Annie.

I walked the parade route and took lots of pics -- over 350 of nearly fifty "entries" and literally thousands of people in Banner Elk. It was great, great fun, and just enjoyed the energy of the people, the pride of the day. But my pic of the day was this one of Mary Kathryn, and it came in a way that I never expected. One admission: I edited out the power lines in Photoshop. But I just love everything else about this picture.

Tonight's picnic was fun. Up on top of Smith Mtn (above the family cemetery), it was an open fire, good food prepared by many hands (we contributed an apple pie and blueberry crisp) and catching up with family and friends. But wistful thoughts, doubts and managing my own expectations just mean I need to breathe more. and more. and more.

Lovely Day

Got to Banner Elk very late Thursday night and woke up early this morning to enjoy a few minutes of quiet around the yard. I was able to catch some fun flowers, and really put my macro lens to work... but the piece d'resistance might have been watching the hummingbirds as they fed at my parents' feeders. They were skitish and funny, but very drawn to the sweetness that fed their very calorie hungry bodies. This red-throated fella flew the whole time (which seems a lot like running your car while filling up with gas) while some of his compadres simply sat and drank in the pure cane. We wouldn't dare give them high-fructose corn syrup — look what's it's done to the youth of America.

After cleaning the car (which caused a near hysterical reaction within the family that had never seem me wash a car), the kids and I went to northern Ashe County to meet my elementary school classmate and her husband and their three kids. They have this great cabin that is their home during the summer (they normally are in Georgetown, Kentucky) and the kids all had the best time. Mary Kathryn fell in love with fried potatoes and Drew initiated a huge water-balloon fight that got all six kids (Kaylee joined us for the fun and festivities) soaking wet.

Besides that rob job that the Ghana team suffered at the hands of the FIFA refs, it truly was a lovely day.

Final Day in Chicago

I love this post-convention day wherever we are that year since I have started this new practice a couple years ago. So after getting up and doing some work, I went out to chase down some sights I had been told I needed to catch before I left town.

Now I have been in Chicago four other times but never visited Grant Park and Millennium Park and today was a beautiful day to catch them. The sun was bright but not too hot; the crowds were reasonable and the scenes were wonderful and surprising. The big silver bean (at least that's what MK referred to it as when I sent her a pic earlier) was a great example of public art, reflecting the people, the nature and the structures built around it all in a wonderful way. It was shocking to discover and to instantly be enamored with its impact in the park and those visiting today.

Then the beautiful gardens the park was the perfect place to get lost in for a while this morning. The flower and bee were great, especially since the bee is wearing leg warmers or a lot of pollen.

Then the two other flower pics involve a butterfly/moth that I saw that I was instantly captivated by. When it's wings were closed, it appeared to be a leaf, and when open, quite a different scene appeared. I just followed it around the gardens and loved it.

From there I walked down to Grant Park and the Marina, but couldn't get into the park since it was closed for the Taste of Chicago. I was bummed that it didn't open until later in the morning when I needed to be on the way to the airport.

So I walked, took pictures, enjoyed the morning and got on my way home without a minute's regret for how I spent my day. And it made coming home satisfying.

Tonight I am cold in Banner Elk (if it is 50° it would surprise me) but after planes, trains and automobiles, I get to rest and stay in one place for a couple days.

Sleep well...