Numbers and Words

23,540 photos taken in the past 365 days. 371 blog entries over the last 12 months. Hundreds of thousands of words written, recording memories, pain, happiness, travel, precious time with my children... and another year passes. 525,600 minutes -- how do you measure a year, a year in the life?

2011 (technically) begins a new decade. New years usually mean new beginnings. I think for me, 2011 will not mean something new, but rather the continuation of months of work, gathering strength and momentum toward resolving my worst tendencies and proving I am not as flawed as I once was. It will mean closing the last chapters of my ills and writing new ones on the promise of brighter days. This new year will bring ups and downs, successes and disappointments, new and old friends, and lots of the unexpected.... just like the year that is ending.

We focus a lot of each new year, and yet lose sight of the individual memories. I want to go back and read the last year's worth of posts to remind me of the realness of my two rocks getting married to their own best partners; of the joy of waking early in Sacramento and walking downtown while MK slept in the hotel; the look on Drew's face when he walked into the Four Seasons in St. Louis; and how my bed felt crawling into it after being on the road for ten days, or just 18 hours after I last laid between those sheets.

I will continue to be here. It is who I am. It is how I communicate to the ones I love, and am rewarded by the kind words and thoughts and presence of the most unexpected people in the world. It is proof that I am stronger, courageous (thanks JFG for that word) and scared yet unafraid of tomorrow. It is the admission of the pleasure of appreciation, but defiant rejection that this is a narcissist exercise. And I am proud that I can, and have, and will continue to be here.

Tomorrow is just another day, just another few steps in a journey. Thanks for holding my hand along the path, scolding me when it makes no sense, shedding a tear or sharing a laugh.

Happy New Year. Happier New Decade.

Cool Clouds

Brought my children home today, and got a bunch of other stuff done. Had a nice family dinner, and enjoyed a movie with the kids. The way a day which is the next to last day of the decade should be.

On our way out of Durham, we saw this amazing cloud spot looking like waves in the sky. So we stopped so that Mary Kathryn and I could capture it in our own way. She's loving her new camera too...

Tonight watched the Heels make and take the Vols in Nashville. Too bad I wasn't there to celebrate with the few thousand in Carolina Blue who pulled it off in second overtime. No split allegiance here... Go Heels!

Last day of a year tomorrow. Looking forward to something special. What will it be? I don't know...

Capitol Christmas Tree

Had the occasion to be in downtown Raleigh tonight -- I was trying to mail a note to a former co-worker, and thought dropping it at the Post Office on Fayetteville Street would be a good idea -- and was stopped in my place at the beauty of the State Capitol and the Christmas tree on the south side of the square. It was a wonderful sight.

I loved the amber lights off the marble and the seemingly thousands of lights on the tree. The dome was shadowed but enough to catch its unique shape. And even though I bet after the snow on Monday, it was even more beautiful.

This brought a real smile to my face. Maybe a good Christmas card next year.

Got the first batch of eclipse prints tonight. If you're interested, drop me a line.

A role I never planned...

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about an accident that I had seen on I-40 around Mocksville. Over the past few days, the family of the young man who was one of the folks involved in the horrific wreck and airlifted to Winston-Salem found that blog. They have made some very nice comments, and really touched me with their words.

You never know who you can help by bringing a moment to light, and make a small difference in their lives. And never underestimate the power of prayer. So tonight, I ask for your prayers for Brandon as he continues to recover from the accident, with the hope that he will soon be better.

The Monday After Christmas...

...will always be a bittersweet day to me. Two years ago, I woke up with one plan for my day, and another fell into place. Today, thinking back on it, I can tell you a lot about some of it, but I cannot piece some facts together. I know that I regret my failure to take care of myself, and yet I am thankful that I went through four days at Duke because it was the wake-up call I desperately needed. But it was one of many wake-up calls I received, and other things that occurred that fateful morning set up a number of the changes that came in the weeks and months that followed. But it never makes me happy.

It was the Monday after Christmas, and probably the best Christmas I have had as an adult. This day is a perspective day for me -- like March 23 -- and one that the day on the calendar will rarely matter. It will always be the Monday after Christmas.

Snow, Shopping, Soup... and a Sore Tooth

Woke up to a white world, covered in a thick blanket of snow. It was the kind of snow that I always associate with Christmas. When I was a kid, one of the most memorable storms was at Christmas, and the snow so wet and heavy that it literally stacked on the wire fence two and three inches high. This morning, driving around, seeing it lay higher and higher on branches, cars, and very horizontal or angled space it could, each flake stacked on another the way that buckyballs of carbon make their strength. It was a sight to behold... and one rarely seen here.

This morning, I decided to travel out since I knew so few would. I stopped by Wal-Mart to get some soup supplies -- wanted to try out the new slow cooker and the weather seemed perfect for a turkey vegetable soup. There was very few cars there -- not like yesterday's welcome vacuum in nearly every parking lot I passed -- but a few brave souls out to try their luck. The most interesting phenomenon was the disproportionally high percentage of men, mostly walking around the grocery section, with lists and cell phones in hand, walking around lost and seemingly confused. Most had that nervous look of not wanting to buy the wrong thing, but being unable to find the brand, or the size, or the exact product they understood they were SUPPOSED to buy. It was nice to just be there, and not stressed about what I came home with.

Came home to start the soup, and then went to go rescue Gene and Mary Kaitland from being homebound by the snow and we all went to the mall. I needed to exchange a gift for my MK, and it was good to be with friends for a while. We enjoyed our walk, and talk, and seeing the unhuddled masses around the mostly open stores of Crabtree.

This evening, I have enjoyed soup, and fought the pain associated with my newly-cracked tooth. After months of managing it -- by which I mean, ignore it -- it broke first thing yesterday morning on a bit of bacon. And I cannot do anything about it until tomorrow at the earliest. Today.... I will stay away from popcorn, foods that are too hot, or eating on the left side of my mouth.

A White Boxing Day indeed.

Thankful for Family...

I did not want to be alone today, so last night, after the Watts Street Candlelight Service and Lovefeast, I drove to Banner Elk, arriving near 11 pm. I walked into my parents' house, walking through cold air into a dark sunroom. After getting my handful of presents around the tree, I walked down the hall and crawled into bed.

This morning, it took me a few minutes to realize where I was, and that today was Christmas. But when it occurred to me, I didn't bounce up or any such reaction -- instead I just walked into the kitchen where my mom was making breakfast.

My parents and I spent a while talking, sharing news and talking about the kids. It was a nice way to spend the first few minutes of this day. We exchanged presents and then got ready to go to Hickory. It was most definitely a White Christmas -- snow falling, roads getting icy and wind swirling fog and powder. The people driving for the most part shouldn't -- too slow and uncertain to be safe, but the slush was making it tough for everyone to drive, including me.

But a Christmas lunch later, with presents opened, I got in the car and drove home, in the snow, mist, rain and traffic. But glad that I was able to enjoy my family -- parents, siblings, etc -- and my Christmas, even without seeing my children. Today was the first Christmas in their lives I didn't see them at all, but that didn't make me overly sad... well, until I wrote that. But the afterglow of our time yesterday, and the simple love I share with them.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all... a Good Night!

Thankful for my children...

This morning, I was awoken by Mary Kathryn at 7:30 am to tell me that it was time for Drew and I to get up so we could open presents. Reminded me of my own Christmas mornings many years ago, only I don't think that I would have been brave enough to have woke my parents up like that.

So the kids and I sat down on the floor of the living room, and I watched them open up each of their presents -- Drew first (by MK's direction) and then she ripped her own open. Of course her favorite was the one she knew the least about -- the armadillo can holder!

The wonder on their faces is always the best part of Christmas. Reminds me of my own childhood, and the way I felt every time I opened a present. I really sometimes wish I could restore that same appreciation for Christmas morning. In fact, the absence of that mystery and appreciation of the moment is probably the biggest reason I don't love Christmas like I used to.

But to spend this little bit of time is as important as any gift I could ever get, or give, and that makes this Christmas as special as any.

----

Loved this horoscope: "There's always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in," wrote novelist Graham Greene. I'll add to that: There are at least three moments in adulthood when a new door opens and invites the rest of the future in. Judging by the astrological omens, I'm guessing that one such breakthrough lies ahead for you in 2011. What can you do to expedite and encourage fate's summons? Here's one possibility: Surrender to the naked truth of what you love.

Thankful for my co-workers and colleagues...

Today, I drove to Fayetteville for a little Christmas luncheon at the office. It gave me a chance to reflect on how much I have to be appreciative of in my work. I have a great team working with me -- from my account management group, to the numerous Keystone folks that I assist in their ongoing work throughout the state, and increasingly in other states, and ultimately to the folks I work with in our offices and in Dallas. It is always surprising to me how successful it can all be, with such real people.

It also is remarkable how much we do get done on a regular basis. And to be moving in so many directions, I am amazed that we get most of it right! ;-) I just know that the support, the belief, the trust and the ongoing work all come from a lot of fabulous people that are my friends, mentors, occasionally charged with keeping me on my toes and on task, and doing in a way that doesn't feel like work.

That is a real blessing.

Thankful for Friends...

With the plethora of Christmas cards arriving over the past few days, and a great lunch I had today with Gene and our friend Haynes, I want to mention how thankful I am for my friends. They have been a rock for me in so many wonderful ways, especially over the last couple years.

Some people have unfortunately become distant, by the memory or aftereffect of my bad acts, and others have simply fallen off the face of the earth, for reasons one can only imagine, but the people who have stuck around have blessed me with their words, their truth and understanding as I have been through so much.

As I received feedback on my eclipse pictures, I was reminded too how the community of old friends built over the past three years -- some from years ago in Banner Elk Elementary, to those new folks I've met through work and travels in the last few months -- has been a firm foundation for many positive things in my own life. While some forums (forii?) have been seen as distracting, or negative, or narcissistic, I have been glad to all that I've gained from positive, honest relationships built, nurtured or mutually enriched.

So thanks for my friends -- always a part of my prayers every night.

Thankful for the Moon

I would have to say that the moon, and my ongoing fascination with it, have been one of the great inspirations in my photography. Tonight, I had the honor of capturing a series of the lunar eclipse that occurred on the winter solstice for the first time in nearly 400 years.

It was a pretty impressive thing to observe. When I first went outside (and btw, it was pretty damn cold), the moon was still full and bright. It was just coming into the first parts of the partial eclipse, and my initial thoughts were that this would be no big deal.

So I carted the camera and the tripod back into the house, and sat down to work for a few minutes. Upon my return, a full third of the moon had been erased, and it was eery to see it. All of a sudden, I began to understand why ancient societies would be so freaked out by this type of event, and I was fully engaged.

Over the next hour, I watched the moon slowly disappear until there was just a thin edge, and then the most amazing thing happened: the moon seemed to reappear, but with a blood orange color now enveloping our satellite. And the thought hit me (reinforced by a couple other friends' status messages on Facebook) that this was of the few nights a year when there is no bright side of the moon -- it was all the dark side.

So after reaching the peak of the eclipse, the clouds moved in and began to coat the sky and ended the show. I am now going to bed, having accomplished the goal of capturing the sky.

I close with the thoughts of a friend who is suffering from the pain of a failed marriage: We are slow to heal. That is always true and yet, you never stop wishing for the way it was. Of this, I know.

Thankful for my Sunday School Class

Was thinking that this might be a good week to say what I'm thankful for...

I have taught my Sunday School class for over five years... wow, it has been that long. They are a constant reminder of what I can learn, and how I can share, and it is a great blessing to me.

Today, we skipped the normal lesson and shared favorite memories of Christmases as children and as adults. They were all great stories, and something I will cherish for a long time.

Thanks Hall Class for how you bless me.

Gifts

So one of the hardest things about Christmas is trying to figure out what to give people. My parents are usually the most difficult to buy for, but fortunately I have been well informed this year. My kids are pretty easy -- but keeping all of their wants under control is usually the hard part.

No, for me, I am most challenged by what to give myself -- from my kids and otherwise. So I try to use it as a time to figure out what things would be most memorable as something they gave me. Plus it can be a time to splurge on something new. One of the contributing factors to the self-gift problem is that usually just get stuff when the mood hits me.

So this year, I've been thinking about getting a new TV -- one of those new fangled three dimensional televisions. But it's like trying to figure out what kind of car you want -- so many distinctions, features, brands, this and that. Was talking to Drew about this difficulty, and he offered this gem: "Dad, I know you're style is to be cool right before everyone else thinks something is cool. So you should wait just a little bit longer on the 3D TV."

That seemed to have answered it. Now what?

Christmas Letter...

This tradition started for me five Christmases ago. As December began, I realized that I wanted to write something to let my friends know how our year had gone. In those early days of being a parent on my own, I still felt totally under water. Work was a bear, I had been living in a big quiet house 70% of the nights alone, and so much about my life felt like I was just beginning, and yet still very adolescent in so many ways.

In looking back, those days were ones upon which I built the months and years to come, and frankly it was a pretty bad foundation. I think about those days, and my fears and desires controlled me far more than I controlled them. But the effort of writing a letter to my friends about my life was something that when I started it seemed like a good way to get perspective, and let everyone know I was ok, and so were the kids.

Let me say, for the record, that as a general rule, Christmas update letters are not well-received. I have both heard of that broad-based opinion, and occasionally observed it in action. But, in my experience, they usually aren't that bad if you view them almost as oral history projects. It's the kind of thing that our parents or their parents would never do, but they would keep the history in some form of story, passed down. Laura Ingalls did the best of capturing the reality of the times, and sharing in a form that others could appreciate. And now, we do it, and tolerate it, because for many folks, it is the only way to see their entire lives — not just the parts that we actually participate in (work, church, social group A).

That first letter I sent out garnered a pretty good response from my friends, and I really din't think anything about it. The next Christmas rolled around, and I put it together again, and sent it out.

By the time the 2008 letter rolled out, and it was late coming out for a number of reasons, I had begun to get requests for the letter, or the occasional, "Hey... I didn't get the Christmas letter this year, and didn't know if I had fallen off your list" email or phone call. It was the only one in which I introduced someone else, and nearly everyone could see something different. In fact, I would say in that letter was the first time that I really felt like I was maturing as well, and could see a seriousness in so much of what I was doing.

The last two years have really begun to reflect my developing art skills -- both with the photography, and the ability to write in a memoir style, that are natural fits for this style of communicating stories. My letter went out on Friday and I have been blessed with a number of extraordinary responses from friends and family about their own years, and a reminder that love is something shared and not hidden.

And here, I've learned that living life is something shared in a way that no one can ever take away. So.... Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all that jazz.... Oh, and here's the letter.

Her tears...

Mary Kathryn is still suffering from the symptoms of a number of ailments, and her poor body is just worn down. Tonight, her tear flowed for a number of reasons and at a number of different times -- frustration with her brother; confusion about why she is so tired, and yet unable to easily sleep; being disappointed in people; and the occasional "what if" that she will play with me.

It's tough to endure this when you're a man who tries to fix everything. Tonight, I just listened, and held her hand, and laid in bed beside her to better understand. And dry her tears with my hands and my heart. It was the best cure of all.

Flying Overhead

Tonight, as I was returning from Cleveland, and flying back into Tri-Cities, I made sure to have my camera in my lap because of the flight pattern from Charlotte across the mountains.

As we were climbing, I looked out and saw the steam rising from the Catawba Nuclear Power Plant. I think I heard somewhere that they use 6 million gallons of water every day... sorry, inside joke.

But the view down the Catawba from a few thousand feet in the air was pretty cool too.

One of the hardest things was trying to figure out where we were... When we passed over this intersection, I studied it for a minute and thought, "Wait! I know this one..." It is very sad when you can recognize an intersection from the air because you've driven through it enough times to know it's where US-74 West splits off Interstate 85 near the South Carolina border. (That objects coming into the picture is a propeller -- and they are VERY loud.)

But when we finally got over the mountains, and passing over Beech Mountain, I was able to pretty quickly spot my parents' house from the air (literally in the center of the picture) and kinda chuckled at the novelty of it.

Two hours later, I was in Banner Elk, going to candlelight service at their church before driving on back home.

Life on the Road is never without complications

This morning was too early, after too late a night not being able to fall asleep. But I dragged myself up, took a shower and proceeded to get a couple hundred miles, and an equal number of pounds of salt, on my car before turning into the airport at Tri-Cities, TN. Sooooo... when this master plot came to me, it seemed "logical" (a nice word, that really seems so distant from my real feelings now, which is more like stupid). Have some meetings with Lee, shoot over to the airport in Johnson City, fly to Cleveland, teach a class on Wednesday morning and then come home... Simple, right?

So the first part really did go well, other than it being really, really cold in Mitchell County. I finished up in Johnson City around 1:30 so IF I had been thinking, I would have gotten probably all the way to Greensboro before I could have found a flight that would get me to Cleveland in a timely fashion and not have so far to drive back tomorrow. But noooooooo... Mr. Smartie Pants (a factious name I call myself, just like Doe, a deer, a female deer) had to just go to the airport and do some work. I could kick myself. I'll get Drew to build me a kicking-myself machine. We'll make millions.

The flight from Tri-Cities to Charlotte was supposed to leave at 5:35. At 5:10, it was announced it wouldn't get there until 6:40 pm "at the earliest" and that meant I would not make my connector to Cleveland. (According to the helpful Orbitz text messages, it didn't leave TN until around 8 pm...) So they rebooked me. OK, for the naïve, traveling through Charlotte is usually bad. Only two places are consistently worse: O'Hare and Atlanta. So I was sent over to the Delta counter to pick up my replacement tickets. I hate ATL. Hate. Nuclear accident hate.

By the time I got there, went to three different gates (and following the other sheep as they moved us around for shits and giggles), and we left Hell around 9:30 (supposed to leave by 9 pm), finally arriving in Cleveland at 11:30. Airbridge? No. What a stupid question. So it was snowing a bit, the cold wind coming off the lake (hence lake-effect snows, which means lots, and lots, and lots of snow since water evaporation + cold air = snow, wintry mix, ice, and pretty much everything that makes towns and cities in the South shut down.

Get in taxi. Nice guy. Trying even harder to be nice. "So, Mister. Good flight?"

Sleep Pattern Disturbed

Don't know why... slept too little, too many nights last week. Then slept for eight or more hours two nights in a row. For the last two nights, I have fallen asleep after 3 am, and up less than four or five hours later. It's strange.

Maybe it's because I'm scheduled to go to Cleveland tonight, in the middle of the arrival of Snow-my-God's tour through the northern Plain states and the Midwest... Could be an interesting day.

Wet, Winter Sunday

Walked out of church this afternoon, and this caught me. The traditional scene of a winter day -- cold, wet, and the trees showing the ugly side of otherwise beautiful houses. The absolute desolation, the seemingly haphazard way the "new" portion was attached to the original brick, a stifling gray sky, the dying leaves littering the ground, and the chained dumpster... it all fit into the incredibly chilly temperature that permeated the moment.

But it wasn't reflective of my mood. I was feeling blessed for having been with my class, my friends, and serving my church family in some small way. I got to watch Drew in church today, sitting across the sanctuary, bored in one moment, and engaged the next. He chatted with Paula, and participated. Dressed to nines (for him), it was was as fun as watching a funny show on television.

We had a great lesson about Joseph, and the incredible amount of faith he had to have to follow God's direction and plan for Mary. Faith is living your life with the consequences. Then a reference to Joy on this Joy Sunday of Advent: Two men looked through prison bars, one saw mud and the other saw stars. It is all about perspective, and what you make of it...

So today, I saw a cold, wet scene, and it was just background -- but not my life.

Christmas Parties

In a weekend traditionally filled with parties, this one was definitely that way for me. Tonight, after a long drive home from Knoxville, and straight to Fayetteville, I eventually got home to Morrisville. That's a lot of 'villes, huh?

But a long time on the road was a great chance to catch up on my listening -- I just started the Fall of Giants, Ken Follett's book about Europe before and during World War I. It has been very good, engaging in the development of complex personalities, and one from which I am intrigued to hear how it all goes (at least how the characters since I already have a good feel for how the big picture ends).

Hanging around the Harrisons' with a number of people I really like (and a few... well, I'll just remember it's the holiday season) and enjoyed great food, and had a lot of laughs. It was a reminder just how great friends are, and how a few times we get to enjoy each other's company. But enjoyed what I had...

Knoxville

Had meetings and went to a party with a friend tonight in Knoxville. It is a town with which I have a number of associations... The first time I ever went there was the World's Fair in 1982. It was so odd to have such a big deal in a town so close to where I grew up. There was this incredible collection of sights of the world -- from the US to China, Japan and Britain. There was a true "fair" feeling to it as well -- with rides, and the carnival and the Sunsphere (which I had forgotten what it was called until I looked it up on Wikipedia). It was very magical in a number of ways. And odd to remember that it actually occurred.

I did visit Knoxville in my college search, and have a number of friends who went to UTK... My current conflict about them is way too complex to explain. But the big golden ball this morning, set against the gray sky, was a good reflection of the uncertainty I felt.

But the sales meeting was very good, and the dinner party with so many people I didn't know was even better -- even though the wine was way, way too good... It was good to see an old friend, and to begin this season.

Accidents

Today, driving back up I-40, headed home from Hickory, the traffic began slowing down, pretty suddenly around Mocksville... Having my usual reaction to slowing traffic (imagine if you will, if you've never ridden with me; otherwise it will be pretty simple to figure out), traffic then came to a complete stop. Then my rational brain kicked in, and I looked up. EVERYTHING was stopped -- eastbound and westbound. I just happened to be less than 200 yards from the accident.

At that point, it was serious. I could see a truck flipped up on its side, and the median wire fence had played a role. There were at least 20 vehicles providing support, and so I calmed down for the long haul.

Over the next 30 minutes, as highway patrol, ambulances, and eventually a helicopter arrived to deal with the immediate issues, the urgency of the moment became more, and more heightened. It was odd to see the helicopter suddenly appear over the trees. I first thought it might be a news helicopter, but then it began to hover less than a couple hundred feet above the accident, and moved over to the interstate to sit down. Then the real nature of the accident became clear -- someone was very, very seriously injured.

At that moment, you have to stop and say a little prayer. After a few minutes, the copter took off, heading west momentarily before swinging around back to Winston-Salem, and the traffic slowly began moving, and separating into its regular motion. For us, our lives began moving again. The unknown injured parties were on their way to treatment, and hopefully being saved, and most of us were just glad we could move on.

For me, it was a brutal reminder that this driving on the road stuff is serious business, and I need to remain alert and aware of those dangers as I travel. And a way to remember that a little prayer, even for those unknown, is always good. That energy, delivering God's light and love in a small way, can make a difference. I've had two friends deal with serious medical issues this week, and another undergoing a very invasive cancer surgery next week. But at the end of the day, it is about being mindful of their needs, and less concerned about a lost 30 minutes on the highway to keep me centered on my own place in the world.

Small Town Christmas

Was in Rockingham and Laurinburg today, and struck by how strong the Christmas spirit was out in those towns. The decorations were up all over the place, and in Rockingham, they had placed bows and flags all over town.

It started the melting of the inner Grinch, and I'm beginning to feel that spirit (while the rest of me is actually freezing from the cold air) starting to come out of its shell...

Collection of sayings...

I have a number of friends who post interesting status messages... some are inane, others are the kinds of pieces that some of us come to expect day after day. A few friends make observations that totally crack me up, while others may post a quote, or an observation that really strikes me at that moment. I wanted to share a few of them today:

Jennifer Webb Marlowe: The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes Awww!

- Jack Keroac

Roy Masters: Some people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

Ian Williams: 14 ordinary, harmless names and phrases that actually sound like disgusting sex acts:

Raspberry Compote

a Roger Federer

Lincoln Logs

Clearing the Cache

The Dick Buttons

3rd and long

Damning With Faint Praise

Gnocchi

a Pillow Sham

The Zagnut

Saturn Returns

A Bit of Fry and Laurie

Carrying Coals to Newcastle

Disabling Cookies

(BTW, if you don't read Ian's blog (www.xtcian.com), you should, particularly if you were at UNC during the 1987-1990 time frame.)

An Early Morning Perspective

Something about waking up early during the week that seems like my habit. But these few minutes before the kids get up seem to go by so quickly that I don't always know what to do with the time. Drew is asleep in my bed, and has been slowly taking it over throughout the night. The slow war of attrition had finally be upset by a couple quick kicks and another elbow to the head. I gave up.

I woke up to check email and to write. No news to read of interest, and thought the view of the morning might be a welcome change here. A slow day planned, but it will undoubtedly be busy since they rarely are ever quiet.

So, off to a shower. Good morning to you coffee drinkers (miss the smell) and hope you have a good day out there.

Losing

I remember waiting that night for a call I knew was gonna come... she was not choosing me. It was like so many other times in my life -- baseball, politics, some friends or a couple folks I thought I really cared for. But in this situation (and partially because I guess after the other events in my life, I was skeptical), I knew the outcome as soon as I knew that there was going to be an opportunity for them to discuss "what went wrong." So September 28, 2010, I knew I'd lost the Battle of Elam before the gun ever went off.

For some reason, this topic, this reality, has been on my mind a lot lately. It's been in my dreams, and the occasional thought crossing my mind (like Saturday when I was playing Galaga at Frankie's). To have not been chosen is a reality that I've come to accept in so many parts of my life -- at one level, it's brought a level of "zen" to so most aspects of my life. The fact that I could be at peace with what I feel, what I think, and where I am is a reflection of wanting little, and believing in myself again.

I remember those days, the last straw of disappointment -- self-inflicted and otherwise -- as either the end of something or the beginning of something. In the following three weeks, I faced, with an ever-widening gap between the two of us (the conversations or messages ending less often with the expressions of love as she fell back into that other comfort zone), the devastating loss of my niece and a very serious and real threat to my relatively new position with the company. I could feel the darkness and depression of those days in early April and throughout the month of May and June beginning to eclipse all the light in my life.

Then came an opportunity to prove myself in some small way. I stood before a prospect and sold myself, sold our product and our company, in a way that I don't think I truly knew I could. I spoke with confidence (that confidence that I have come to understand so many people have seen and is how most have defined me) and moved into an environment that I have come to realize is where professionally I should have been a long time ago.

I've seen progress on my major areas of fault. I now live my life clearly by a simple principle -- do what I say I am going to do -- and a simple rule: the truth is not optional. I feel what I feel and am not ashamed of it. Sadly, some of my weight has come back, but I am still 25+ lbs. lighter than I was the day I was admitted to Duke and 35+ lbs. lighter than where I often was.

Most of my financial difficulties are resolved or nearing resolution. Many of the lapses in judgment that I once tried to hide (but kept my life in perpetual shadow) have been addressed. I own that I am human, and I have made terrible, stupid mistakes. I am better for them, and for accepting responsibility for them.

I can't tell you why in those three dark weeks, I didn't do what everything else in my life seemed to be telling me -- give up. It's over. I lost battle, after battle, after battle. But when it came time to show my mettle, I didn't give up. I stood tall and built myself anew on that foundation.

I can't tease out why I was not the one chosen. Her reasons are hers. I can't call them fear, or love, or anything else, because they are not mine. I could be bitter and angry or vindictive. I could do lots of things. But I choose to be the most loving person I can, and not allow myself to be defined by what I have no control over or even less understanding of.

I choose to view losing as the first step of winning. Not winning a battle, or a war -- those analogies just aren't applicable. I view it as the first step of winning in my life, in my own way, and without constant fear to what tomorrow may or may not bring.

I lost. It doesn't define me -- it's just a part of me. And I will understand one day.

A Snow Day

A remarkable day... The kids and I took Caroline to Frankie's so that Drew would be able to do laser tag, and we'd have a few minutes to blow off in the middle of the day. After a round of go-karts (through which we all nearly froze to death), we spent the remainder of a couple hours inside so that we wouldn't get cold.

When MK said, "Look, it's snowing..." I scoffed. And was WRONG again. So for the last four hours, we've watched it snow, ran through Lowes Foods to see the bread and milk panic and Target for various other sundries. But the memory of this day ought to be the huge flakes of snow, on the hair of three amazing kids, and the joy the snow brought us all for a few minutes...

They're playing bas-ket-ball...

Tonight was Drew's first basketball game of the season... it was a lot of fun to watch the boys play, learning some plays, defenses, and the general level of excitement each bring to the game. Drew jumped lots, stayed in position mostly, rebounded pretty well and left with a wet head. Pretty much a typical day in the sporting life of my son.

His coach is one of my favorite people -- a friend named Mark Grant, and to watch his intensity and drive to get these young men to play together, and keep them organized, was a lot of fun. A friend of mine who didn't know that I knew Mark said: "their coach is all business." I just smiled -- believe me, I know that. He and his wife, Denise, are such great people, and good friends, and I was glad to see Drew under his tutelage on the court tonight.

Long day at work -- had to deal with management and personnel issues, and I truly dislike that part of my job. But you know -- it's absolutely necessary some times...

I go to sleep with a 10 year old boy playing games on the Wii, and two thirteen-year-old girls making plans to take over the world. I am a little frightened for what I will wake up to...

I close tonight with a mention of an article written about my friend, and favorite bartender, Annabelle, from Watts Grocery. She's subtle, and strong, and always made me laugh. I'll have to stop by again soon to check on the crew...

December Blossoms

Took MK to get the stuff from her mom's house and discovered the cherry tree the city planted there years ago (at my request) had new blossoms on its edges. It was totally unexpected, and the perfect thing to make me smile this fine day.

Woke to cool air, and went to a meeting way too early. Then had a very productive day, which was enriched by my children returning to my life, MK and I enjoying our weekly grocery run while Drew is at taekwondo, and then going to a Make-a-Wish fundraiser to be with friends, old and new, and just enjoy the time out and about.

Wednesday was an interesting day in so many ways -- from conversations had, or not had, and balancing my tiredness against my lingering for the past and hope for tomorrow. Hope for tomorrow won out. I'll write more about it later.

So be glad for December blossoms... they are the edge of a pattern yet to emerge!