Philosophizing...

Today, I end my day nearly 600 miles from where I started it. I am beginning to love Savannah, which is good as much as I am here...

A few things have been said to me lately that I have come to appreciate the more I think about them. The first was something shared by my dear counselor, who said that the best part of our respective lives are that we live by our instincts and not by our appetites. It was one of those observations, or reflections, on where I am versus where I was that struck me completely silent when I heard it. The simplicity of the words, and the absolute truth of the reflection were more than insightful and brought me back to that moment going down Lee Street a couple weeks ago.

Someone who knows the whole story once asked me if I wished I had gone back to the house that morning and gotten the phone. It was a simple "what if?" that presumes that morning's discovery might not have occurred and everything would have been ok. I answered, "No."

Shocked, the next question offered was both obvious and simple: "Why?"

Simply because I do not want to be that person any more. I don't want to lie in my relationships, to live my life off of some pleasure seeking at the sacrifice to the love and well-being of someone I love. If that day had not happened as it did, I would not have accepted responsibility for where I was, and been where I am today.

Today, I am a better person, a more honest leader, a stronger friend, the kind of father I always wanted to be, and someone with the actual ability to be the lover, and partner, that I had at my core that day, but hid away in fear, and guilt, and uncertainty. I wouldn't go back to being that person, no matter the rewards of another day of her love I might receive.

None of that diminishes how I felt and feel for her... but it reflects the love I most needed that day -- a more sincere love of myself. It is something I have today that leaves me blessed in so many ways that tomorrow's mutual love will be better when it comes.