Grocery Run

I love a late night grocery run when I am on the road. Today's hours on the road -- to Charlotte, then to Hickory and now in Huntersville, were productive, but the late night snack sometimes must be sated.

So after I walked back into my room (and it was hot as hell -- I hate uni-temperature hotel rooms), I decided I needed a few items from Lowes Foods. So I grabbed a few staples:

1. my beloved Diet Pepsi, which remains the one liquid exception to my water rule.

2. smartwater in a 1.5 L bottle. The container is nearly unwieldy, and they fill the damn things up the very top (resulted in a few precious drops being spilled every time I open one), but I love it almost as good as Fuji, for a fraction of the cost. One of my short-term objectives is to be able to open a bottle of their water without spilling it -- which I believe will require Drew's engineering skills and the patience of someone I don't know.

3. pink lady apples. Mary Kathryn is responsible for introducing me to these wonders of the sweet and sour mix. They are so very yummy and crisp -- don't turn easily brown, but are not so tart that they make you pucker up like Granny Smith's do. It will be a perfectly refreshing way to start my morning...

4. parmesan romano cheese. It was the smallest piece I could find -- and it was still $8 -- but it really is one of those guilty pleasures I have. I love to buy a block and then eat little chunks off of it for a few days. It's so wonderfully salty, and shreds in my mouth, but jeez... there's nothing else like it when I have that craving.

So $20 later (bought extras for my day tomorrow), I am well set for the evening and tomorrow. I just hope the open windows diminish this heat, and the body and mind slow down enough to sleep well tonight. Being in a Residence Inn reminds me too much of those post-Gboro days...

Decorating

As a kid, I loved decorating the house for Christmas. It was one of those things that seemed the beginning of a special season. For me, my favorite part was laying out the manger scene... I loved unwrapping each piece, each carefully stored from the year before, and arranging everyone of them in the way they should be within and around the little building built of thin wood.

The final two pieces I placed were always the baby Jesus and the angel. Baby Jesus had to be just right -- in the middle of it all, and then came the angel. She hung on a tiny little nail at the apex of the roof, then the light went into the hole at the back of the manger. When it was done, it always felt like Christmas could then start.

When I got home from Granite Falls on Thursday, the first thing I did was hang my wreath. My mom always makes me one, and a pretty bow to go with it. For me, it has become my new manger since I am not that interested in doing much decorating. This year, however, Mary Kathryn talked me into doing a bit more, so we have a little tree, and the lights above the door now have some tinsel...

It is feeling a little like Christmas here...

First Frost

Came out this morning to find the first frost of the winter season on the ground. The temperature had dropped below the required 32° and the grass was showing the tell-tell signs of the freeze that is about to come. I however was still in my fall best: no coats, no socks. Some things never change.

It was strange in another way: I realized this morning in a joyful way that spring and summer are just a few months away. The misery, the dread of the dead months were going to come and go, and the promise of warmth, of life, and of many other things were just a few days away. And it made the day start in a very positive way for me.

Good Eats: Whole Foods

There's a new term in the photography circles: Food Porn. It references people who take pictures of food so that others can look at the photographs and be enticed by the good looking food... It's a strange concept, and also a pretty funny combination of words.

This fine collection of food comes from the Whole Foods hot bar, which is one of my favorite food pleasures. It gives the inner Baptist an ability to get the taste of a number of different things, while not requiring that I prepare a lot of food to get there. Their mac and cheese is always great and they have an Indian bean dish that is spicy, and so nice. The sweet potatoes were Jamaican spiced and the lasagna was the perfect meat dish to accompany this meal.

is this good for me? Who knows... but I will say this: it comes from Whole Foods so the chances are better that it is, and it was way overpriced. But I can get it home, while still warm, and sit in my chair and eat it without having a single dish to clean up afterwards.

Of course, I suppose I should recycle the plastic.

Sublimest

After a good long rest, and a slow morning of moving around, the kids and I headed to Chapel Hill to meet a couple former Hinton James floor mates from 1987-88. It was a perfect November day in Chapel Hill: crisp air, no rain (then) and a great day to walk down Franklin to have lunch at Mama Dip's.

Since we were meeting at Silent Sam, it gave me a chance to talk to the kids about the statute, as well as listen to their questions. Sam had a couple plaques on his pedestal, one of which contained a quote from "their great commander" that referenced his belief that "duty is the sublimest word in the English language."

First thought was why Robert E. Lee wasn't specifically identified as the author of the quote (since he was obviously their great commander -- a fact I later verified when I researched the word). Then the word "sublimest" got stuck in my throat. "That can't be right," was the first thought that went through my head, and echoed around.

After everyone had gathered, we took off for that walk, lunch and lots of chatting and watching kids of all ages act appropriate and inappropriate for the settings. Meanwhile the old folks played a game we like to call, "What the hell was there when we were here?" or "where the hell is..." Made me think, as they laughed about the idea of pushing strollers never crossing their minds 25 years ago, that we are those old people we never thought we'd become. It sucked.

But to spend time with people who remembered a full, thick, black head of hair where now the unblown dunes of the desert on top of head now dominates, and still remembered me fondly, and I remembered them with equal affection, was a wonderful reminder that time does not steal friendships... it only enriches them.

Cornucopia

Had a wonderful day with most of my family. Woke up with my son beside me, way too early, and listened to someone coughing down the hall. So I got up, tip-toed down the hall, and stopped to listen to make sure I could figure out if it was Mary Kathryn or someone else. When my sister let loose another string of coughs, I walked on downstairs to get the medicine to share with Dee.

The day seemed to be a whirlpool of activities in preparation of our Thanksgiving lunch. My usual responsibility is the making of an apple pie -- one that has become the minimum expectation of my appearance at a family event. This pie, which comes originally from my former mother-in-law, has been slowly developed into something a little more than just a dessert.

It was great to watch the kids together, especially Drew with my great-nephew Jonathan, and how much they all got along. It was also very good to see how well my parents were working with my sister and my brother-in-law on things around their new house. They recently purchased a home in Granite Falls, and it's given them a home that they've always wanted. And hosting Thanksgiving was something that meant a very great deal to my sister.

It was only the second time I've had the kids for Thanksgiving, and I've had a whole arrangement of Thanksgiving lunches since we got separated in 2006, but their role makes it so much more of a holiday, a gift. And it was great to share this day with so many friends, by messages, or calls, or through thought, and really am blessed by so many friends. Many of those folks have sustained me and helped me be a stronger, more balanced, and in so many ways happier. So thank you for my friends, and for my family, and for a great Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Eve

Sitting at my sister's house in Granite Falls this evening, and my mom is calling for me to come out to take a picture of the horizon as the sun sets. So I grabbed the camera, and rushed out and was rewarded with a couple cool snaps...

Made me think about last Thanksgiving, when I got a call at the end of the day from my good friend Caroline to walk out and look at the sky. I spent 30 minutes to get the sky just right that afternoon, and the work required to get it how it truly was in that moment was some of the most complex work I ever did -- balancing the equipment, the settings, how I was holding the camera, and trying to get it done in the little bit of time I had -- resulted in one of the cooler pics of God's artistry.

So tonight I remembered that night, and all the other things balanced in my head and my heart then, and was glad to be with family tonight and tomorrow.

Unexpected Heart

Walked out to my car to put stuff into it and found this heart on the passenger door that MK must have drawn in the dew-covered muck a few days ago... it was the perfect little pick-me-up with a day full of meetings, etc.

A friend of mine wrote today about a particularly mischievous smile that I have from time to time: "it's like you are sorta laughin' in the inside at a joke between you and yourself." I loved it! I guess I don't really think about it in those terms but I definitely can see where that impression comes from. I do get in that moment of being strong enough to see through myself and others and just have a comfort about it all. It was a great way to put in words something that often words cannot capture.

Dinner at the Bistro

Nervous as I could be tonight... walked into the PWB for dinner and terribly fearful to be there. First time I'd been there for that particular meal in nearly two years, and fearful that they might walk in...

Dinner, after a few drinks, was relaxing, and I enjoyed it mightily. Those few blocks around Prox and the O always make me so very melancholy...

Why, O, why?

Do unto others...

My Sunday School lesson this morning was on this important message of Christ. Our discussion was actually a lot of fun and very helpful. Turning the other cheek... trying to understand... The difficulty of it all... and how following that one commandment really is the essence of sinning or not sinning. Pretty powerful stuff that I don't think I was fully prepared for when I woke up.

I drove to Seagrove this afternoon to spend some time with my parents who like to come down to the pottery festivals every year. It was actually very interesting, as much for the politics of the two festivals as the variety and quality of the various pieces...

Got home in time to get some rest and get ready for an interesting, but short week...

Humility on the 20th

I've always been someone who was either too arrogant or too cheap to pay someone else to fix something I really thought I ought to be able to fix myself. Today, I learned that humility -- that someone can do something better for a few bucks than I could do on my own (and potentially screw it up) -- is an important thing to learn.

The first picture is a photo of the sky I took this morning outside of Peace Camera. There has been some form of dirt on some part of the camera's internal parts that I could not get off. Not with a lens pen. Not with a can of air. Not with being frustrated and trying to curse it out of the interior of the camera's mysterious lady parts (reference to Talledega Nights -- if you haven't seen it or don't think it's funny, I'll just move on...).

So after a nice catch-up breakfast with an old friend in downtown Raleigh, I succumbed to the reality that I did not know what I was doing and took my camera into my favorite camera crackhouse. After enduring the "well, you do have some pretty significant lines on your lens" comments (power line humor is really not what it used to be), it was a new experience. In just five minutes, he removed two big pieces I had seen, and about 15 others that I hadn't. So now, humility will need to become a hallmark of my dealings with things I only think I can fix.

Was thinking this morning that pretty much everyone important in my life in the last ten years has a birthday on the 20th. That was a pretty weird thing to realize. But now I am off to finish the last of "The Girl who..." books on audio. I really have enjoyed them immensely.

Tired, Sinus Infection and Traffic

Couldn't bring myself to lift the camera today. Partially because of three hours of sleep, then realizing after dropping the kids off at school that pain in my sinuses had developed into a bigger issue. So I thought the only wise course of action was to do something unconventional: go home and rest (and do some work, but at least not be on the road). Which I did.

This afternoon, I had to go to Durham to drop off the kids stuff, and got stuck in probably the worst traffic I had experienced in YEARS... But oddly, it really didn't affect my mood. Instead, I just rode, and listened to my book. It was kinda nice. Strange, but nice.

Now, I am going to lay down, catch up on the lost hours of sleep.

Midnight Movie

Tonight is the first part of the movie for the seventh Harry Potter book... wow, that's a mouthful. Quick review: damn good! Not too much of a mirror of the book, but enough to be very pleased with their ability to capture the essence of this first half of a very large book.

I'm sure that the ex won't be happy with my decision to share the movie experience in this way, but it is well worth it for them... MK would never have allowed me not to go and Drew didn't deserve to be told he's too young.

He said something so... Drew today. As we were discussing some bullies at school who are messing with his friends, and other people in his life that he struggles with their inconsistent behavior. I asked him about those situations and why he could be combative at times, but most of the time he seems pretty calm and laid back with some people. He just looked at me and said: "I have this rule. If you show me respect, I will give you respect." Pretty damn insightful.

I was productive mostly today, but some issues with Microsoft Outlook 2011 are about to drive me mad... er, madder. More mad? Jeannie? A sudden crash on Wednesday morning resulted in the failure to operate that program ever since. Quite annoying. Odd how addicted we get to be with these little tools... Makes me feel like a tool, not the craftsman.

Going to bed, with little planned this weekend. Probably going to Seagrove on Sunday with my parents and otherwise going to just lay low and rest.

I may go see "Due Date" to see how good it was....

Dry sinuses and Savannah

An odd night, with a strong wind blowing my door, and a very dry spell affecting my sinuses. When I finally woke up, my entire nasal cavity hurt, and the damn clock in the hotel room had not yet been set to Standard time... therefore I was nearly completely awake before I realized I was up an hour earlier than I thought I was...

I love the bridge over the Savannah River, and this shared view with the Hilton's neighbors, their rooftop garden, and a clear sky to start my day...

And it was a good day. Home late, after a long drive...

Philosophizing...

Today, I end my day nearly 600 miles from where I started it. I am beginning to love Savannah, which is good as much as I am here...

A few things have been said to me lately that I have come to appreciate the more I think about them. The first was something shared by my dear counselor, who said that the best part of our respective lives are that we live by our instincts and not by our appetites. It was one of those observations, or reflections, on where I am versus where I was that struck me completely silent when I heard it. The simplicity of the words, and the absolute truth of the reflection were more than insightful and brought me back to that moment going down Lee Street a couple weeks ago.

Someone who knows the whole story once asked me if I wished I had gone back to the house that morning and gotten the phone. It was a simple "what if?" that presumes that morning's discovery might not have occurred and everything would have been ok. I answered, "No."

Shocked, the next question offered was both obvious and simple: "Why?"

Simply because I do not want to be that person any more. I don't want to lie in my relationships, to live my life off of some pleasure seeking at the sacrifice to the love and well-being of someone I love. If that day had not happened as it did, I would not have accepted responsibility for where I was, and been where I am today.

Today, I am a better person, a more honest leader, a stronger friend, the kind of father I always wanted to be, and someone with the actual ability to be the lover, and partner, that I had at my core that day, but hid away in fear, and guilt, and uncertainty. I wouldn't go back to being that person, no matter the rewards of another day of her love I might receive.

None of that diminishes how I felt and feel for her... but it reflects the love I most needed that day -- a more sincere love of myself. It is something I have today that leaves me blessed in so many ways that tomorrow's mutual love will be better when it comes.

Day 3: Hoot Hoot

We got Drew on his first, and his last, roller-coaster ride today. The hopes that we both had, the bribe that we had to make, and the sincere belief that one he had experienced it he would also join us in the rush and love of the ride were dashed the moment it ended. I could tell from the look on his face that he did not care so much for the Dragon Challenge... or any damn similar structure or experience for a very long time. I felt horrible.

When I told him I was sorry, and that I felt guilty about it, he looked at me and quietly said: "Dad, when it was first over, I hated it. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I liked it..." Relief fell over my face. My fears that I had ruined the boy began to subside. I said, "Really?"

He looked up at me, in that classic Drew as complete smartass way, and said, "No, Dad. I hated it. But I just didn't want you to feel bad." The wry smile. The gotcha look. And then moving on to the next thing... collecting the bribe.

We progressed through the day, riding, shopping, doing the one thing in Hogsmeade we hadn't -- the Ollivander Experience, and then the Jurassic Park waterfall, and a few other random rides. As the day began to wind down, we decided to walk back toward the place where we started. Mary Kathryn and I wanted to ride Dragon Challenge, at night, in the front, to end our time...

The night sky, and the well-lit castle, the sun having set, and knowing that our day was ending, made me a little sad. But it wasn't a sad that was overwhelming. Instead, it was a sad that made me glad to have spent the money, and the time, with the kids, in this way...

As we turned to leave, I noticed folks standing in the courtyard looking back toward the Hogsmeade buildings... I turned as it became 7 pm... an owl emerged from the top of the clock tower, and hooted three times, marking the end of the day. It was a poignant moment, and made me appreciate every memory from these three days even more.

Saturday: Rollercoaster Girl

We started the day a little later than we had planned, but really decided to start our day exploring the parks. The first picture really captures the early morning in Hogsmeade and the kids with me on this new adventure.

The great discovery of the day was that Mary Kathryn is officially a roller-coaster girl. She could not get enough of them. She started her cautious toe in the water by riding the Mummy first with Janene and then again, and again and again... Afterwards, she wanted to try something bigger so we tried out Dragon Challenge, and she was totally hooked! Twice more, then moved on to the Hulk -- which is this unbelievable collection of loops, and twists, and plunging and rising that literally left my head hurting from being banged around, which we ended the weekend by riding an incredible six times (loved the express pass rights, btw)...

She found that it was a thrill that she never expected, and kept wanting to try another. Drew however was not so convinced. He rebuffed nearly every attempt we made to get him to consider this opportunity to "expand his experience about physics and the application of his ideas in this different way." He almost immediately and then continuously called bullshit on that idea. We swore we would get him on one before the trip was over.

Interestingly, while we could not get Drew on a rollercoaster, he saw the opportunity to climb a wall, and nearly jumped over three kids to do it. He was a regular spider -- finding his pace and then going straight up the wall to the required bell to be rung. Other than that, he wanted to spend time in the arcade... which was both annoying and completely Drew.

We ended the day at a luau and then a couple hours in the pool (which was both cool and warm, but neither too much one way or the other). The day ended with Mary Kathryn and I fast asleep and me waking at least twice to tell Drew to close his eyes and go to sleep. Roller-coaster girl and I were exhausted and the one who had remained firmly planted on the ground was, as usual, wide awake.

Friday; Hogwarts and Hogsmeade

Here is the beginning of a three part-post on the adventure that the kids and I had at Universal over the past weekend. Please accept my humble apologies for the delays in posting...

After the delay of speaking and getting the kids moving from their hotel hideaway, we finally got on our way to our planned adventure. On our way, we changed our plans and decided to stay "on property," meaning that we decided to spend our hotel dollars at a hotel actually located at Universal. It was a decision we made to save time and money, especially for travel, and so that we could move to the front of the lines at various lines, which our natural impatience demanded!

After getting the bags to the room and being somewhat settled, we struck out to see what had lead us all to this place: Harry Potter. We rushed into the park, figured out how to get to the relevant part of Islands of Adventure, and nervously walked the final steps toward the arch into Hogsmeade. We were not at all disappointed.

The cobblestone streets, the buildings with their erratic chimneys and swaying lines, the snow laying along the eaves... it was as if someone had taken the images created while reading the books many years ago and actually transformed them into something real, three-dimensional and that could be experienced. Mary Kathryn and I just stood there transfixed for a long time, almost in disbelief. The medieval English village, with Hogwarts looming overhead, was... real.

We rode some rides, and experienced the phenomenon of virtual rollercoasters (using moving seats and visual aids to give you the sensation of flying while actually leaving you more stable than you could imagine). We walked into some of the shops and just enjoyed the moment.

After the park closed, we spent time with Durham friends whose trip to Universal unexpectedly but fortuitously coincided with our own, and shopped and ate. We shared dinner at Emeril's restaurant (a place where MK was dying to go when she was only five because she loved Emeril at the time, but was disappointed that he was not there to serve her dinner... BAM!) and loved the prix fixe menu -- even the girls shared one, expanding their adventure a little further. Drew loved his steak and the chance to just be the boy that he is, and we all laughed, and giggled and appreciated the day for what it was... amazing.

Alleghany County

This morning, I awoke early again to head off to another meeting. This morning, it was the first time I had been in Sparta, North Carolina since I was a sophomore in high school.

Back in the day, the Avery County High School tennis team dominated the conference. Our only real competitors were the thugs from Alleghany County High School. Their coach was a complete ass, and never hesitated to do whatever he could do to throw us off our game.

One time he resorted the seeds so that he might have a better chance of winning the team competition. Another he tried to distract us with loud music. The worst was when he literally had his chumps start some physical altercation with us. Needless to say, he didn't like us and... well, you get one guess what I thought of him.

So to be back there was a funny realization for me. Some things never change.

I was blessed to start my day going up US 21 and heading up the mountain in a way I had never been before. It was pretty amazing to see how much color there still was among the leaves, even going into the higher elevations.

I had enough time to stop and look back into the valley where the sun, the fog, the haze and the distant hills (including Pilot Mountain) and to enjoy the morning crisp air. and it made me smile.

My rides lately have been enriched by the chapters of the second book in the Steig Larsson series. I am nearing the end and hope I'm not too disappointed when it ends. Means that I will have to get the final book soon so I can start planning the next books...

I have a long philosophical perspective to share, due to my conversation with Melanie last night. I will get around to it soon. But in the meantime... the kids and I will enjoy Orlando.

Blurry

I love the occasional photo I take in a completely random fashion and get something as cool as this one. I took it while driving down I-40, of the leaves near Chapel Hill, and as a random snap.

The unexpected can be wonderful...

...and the moon tonight. I've been lucky enough to get her three nights this cycle.

Stairwell

This morning, in Hickory, I helped one of my agents with a meeting with one of their clients. (Wow -- lots of prepositions in that sentence. I really need to start doing a better job editing...) After the meeting, we walked down the stairwell, and a memory hit me so very hard... I wished I had my camera with me and I wasn't going to go get it and come back in, but it was so very strong that I think I gasped.

My co-worker had been talking to me about walking stairs and noticed I'd stopped. Then, I started walking down, and reflected about why it was that place has struck me so... a little over a year ago, I truly felt I was flailing around professionally (and personally, but I'm focused on professionally here) and didn't know where I fit. Chris had asked me to go to the meeting and had "sold" me pretty heavy to our partners there... Frankly, they were skeptical and had some fear, and has expressed their own doubt that I could perform in a sales role. They weren't the only ones... I really had begun to fear for my job, and couldn't deal emotionally with one more thing in that terrible year.

I walked out of that meeting the person I am today. I had found a footing, a skill I never confidently felt I could carry forward. I changed perceptions and accomplished the goal of getting the interest of this prospect and moved toward closing the sale. And I had done it largely on my own. And coming out of the meeting a year ago, and walking down those stairs with these friends who now had a completely different appreciation for what I could do to help... it changed that aspect of my life.

And I remembered the pride, and the relief, that I had done what I was capable of doing, and proving myself to people I admire and looked up to in that way.

Sliver of a Moon

Tonight, driving home from Greensboro's health care reform presentation, I was annoyed by an erratic driver (yes, that is completely ironic) but this tiny little sliver of a moon kept my attention and helped me feel a little balanced and calm.

Waking up with a cut finger

I do not remember how I cut my finger... Last night, I took on the responsibility of carving the pork after it came off grill to help, and I swear I do not remember the slice of my own flesh in the process. But this morning I can certainly feel it.

This morning's transition from daylight savings time to standard time was more difficult than usual. I slept horribly, and was so restless throughout the night. It was miserable, and the pain medicine refused to kick in and bring some peace to my knee.

This morning's conversation in Sunday School was actually pretty interesting, mainly about Paul discussing the need for Christians to submit to government authorities and how subtle and complex his message could be viewed. I struggle with the conspiracy theorists that believe Muslims are taking over the world. Today's example was how certain courts have applied Sharia law to overturn the conviction of a man who had raped his wife and how horrible it was that it occurred. When I pointed out that most courts in America did the same thing through the 1970's, there was complete silence. Those pesky details...

Loved something said to me today about recipes: "recipes ... can have a lot of meaning... giving up a secret - sharing it, entrusting it; recipes represent time and place and... this could be an interesting conversation. It is a major gesture for me to share this recipe with her." An insight to the very act of sharing that had escaped me, so thanks...

A good nap, and a little work done tonight. But I need to get some Neosporin™ on it...

Saturday with so much to do

Today, I was very and happily busy.

I started my day in Durham at Watts Street with the youth group working the Second Hand Treasures event. The day started very early, at least for a Saturday, and was actually a lot of fun. There was tons of "treasures" there, and a ton of people too... And I just liked being there.

My funniest moment was telling some folks there about how much I was enjoying the "The Girl Who Played with Fire" audiobook. Perhaps my description was too... emotional since a few of the youth started laughing at me... which only made sense. Sometimes I can be a complete loser when I get excited about a topic, or something about which I'm passionate.

Afterwards I went to a Common Cause post-election forum to hear the opinions of "those in the know" about why we Democrats did so poorly during the 2010 mid-term elections. What I failed to hear was us taking any accountability for the political realities of cycles, and overreaching. I also failed to hear why we ought to be thinking about to work better with the middle. It's a little funny how much I have been beat up by my friends over the last few weeks and how much I never hesitate to to defend where we are. I often think that I am uncertain whether we ought to be more progressive or more moderate.

The president said something a couple weeks ago that a big part of the political realities of America today is Congressional districts are political art to make the most conservative and the most liberal districts, and nothing for moderates. We need a more accepting environment for people's differences, stop believing in fear and start again with the material hope that there is something more important for us all to invest together, work together and make a difference for everyone. Sorry -- rant over.

Ended the day in Greensboro at Heather and Pat's house for dinner with a bunch of friends. We were there ostensibly to celebrate Chris's birthday, but more than anything to just enjoy each other's company. It was a wonderful November dinner of pork and root vegetables, great sweet potato casserole and a hummingbird cake to end the night. I was lucky enough to get home with some leftovers (yes, I know how you feel about them, but I didn't want to make lunch today).

Of course, given the company, a good deal of wine and Crown Royal was drunk, but I rode with someone so I was safe. Our designated driver was looking for a new way to Wendover, so I took David and Cathy down US 29/220 and Lee Street to get back to I-40. I am convinced it's the best way to get onto Wendover from the interstate... but the slightly intoxicated state of mind, riding down Lee Street, caused me to be lost in the memory of that March morning, and how it was the last day...

Cold Morning...

This morning was the first cold morning of the year. In fact, it was the first of the coming season where I regretted not wearing socks. And almost immediately thereafter realized that I wished I had remembered to pack my cufflinks. For the record, a shirt that requires cufflinks really cannot be worn normally. It caused me to roll up the sleeves and feel a little silly.

So I started my day, feeling silly and tired, and drove, and drove, and drove until I was able to sit in my own chair, and prepare to sleep in my own bed again.

Today/tonight, I want to share the words of others because they do such a find job capturing where the moment.

First a poem, from my poem-sharing friend...

Enough

by Jeffrey Harrison

It's a gift, this cloudless November morning

warm enough for you to walk without a jacket

along your favorite path. The rhythmic shushing

of your feet through fallen leaves should be

enough to quiet the mind, so it surprises you

when you catch yourself telling off your boss

for a decade of accumulated injustices,

all the things you've never said circling inside you.

It's the rising wind that pulls you out of it,

and you look up to see a cloud of leaves

swirling in sunlight, flickering against the blue

and rising above the treetops, as if the whole day

were sighing, Let it go, let it go,

for this moment at least, let it all go.

The second comes from my friend Addison's brief memoir of her recent trip to Italy...

In “Eat, Pray, Love,” an Italian friend of Gilbert’s observes that Italians are much better at “il bel far niente” — “the beauty of doing nothing” — than their American counterparts. I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot since I’ve been home. Italians may be very adept at doing nothing, but they are never careless. Every bite is thoughtful, every greeting heartfelt and every gift from nature cherished. And that’s the relationship I’ve been thinking about since I’ve been home — the one between caring and carefree. And that’s a relationship I want to get right.

I loved the idea of the beauty of doing nothing... such a wonderful concept. An even better goal for the weekend...

Christmas comes too early

The decorations are out... it comes too early. It's the first week of November (I know -- at least it's not October). Good day...

Time of Day

I have noticed that my disposition changes so much throughout the day. I wake a little tired or worried or lonely or bruised from a night of elbows and knees. After I get out of bed (the speed of which is usually a function of how tired I am, or how cold it is, or how much time I have to get something done on the list before I have to be at the first appointment, or the kids to school -- you get the picture, right?), I try and run through the usual steps, but it is largely routine.

Once out the door, it's contemplating which calls I can make, how the day looks, how many miles there will be before I get home again, and how many little crises I can resolve while driving. Usually sometime in the morning, my ADD medicine has kicked in and I feel fairly invincible. It makes getting things done and the ability to tackle tough issues MUCH easier for some reason.

Midday I am usually now at full speed. Lots happening - calls, emails, meetings, etc. The occasional distraction or personal thought running across the stage of my mind. I have tried to always fit into this cycle a few minutes of me time, through a chapter or two of a book or audiobook, or a picture caught here or there. Something to bring me back to center.

I almost always skip lunch, at least at lunchtime. It's a quiet time, when I can respond to emails or get things out the door without interruption. But by the end of the early afternoon appointments, the malaise begins to set in... I feel the meds draining out of me and I become more emotionally fragile. Unfortunately I am often driving when that happens, which is not always best.

By the time I get home -- after dinner, with the kids, or whatever -- I am exhausted. I want to just sit and veg, but that's not always easily done either. So too often, when I come here, I am melancholy, or sad, or just uncertain about too much. I often wish, in the mid-morning when I feel my strongest, I could write this then so I could capture that time of day when I am invincible, when I am my strongest me.

So... know that there are times each day where I am there. I'm not always down...

Election Day

...hmm... a lot different than two years ago. I am not in Pennsylvania. I am not on ichat celebrating a big night. Instead, the shadow has returned over the House and some "balance" will return to the legislative process. Most importantly, people voted.

Day was up, down, up, down, down, then up... thankfully have the children with me tonight to make me feel whole in some small way.

I am surrounded by people with opinions about what I should do, think, say, and feel about it. I appreciate everyone's perspective, but I have to do what I have to do... thanks for your understanding and support.

Yes, I voted for Elaine Marshall, and a whole bunch of other Democrats. All my friends this morning were laughing about their big night to come. It will be an interesting night by the end of it. Will Nikki Haley be elected governor of SC? Sestak ensure that PA has two elected Democratic senators for the first time in over 40 years? Will the president's Senate seat remain in the hands of the Dems or lost to a Republican? And if John Boehner fixes the House, then he will have been a profile in courage. For today, I ain't putting my money on it.

Gonna go crawl in bed beside Drew and get kicked all night. That's what love truly is.

All Saints' Day

Early morning, first real chill in my body, still Daylight Savings Time but those socks are looking good, and memories of a friend who passed away too young.

We got home from St. Louis fine (thanks for checking!) and resolved a number of work items before getting in the condo. Seems that work always needs to get done.

When I dropped Drew off, I saw the remains of a pumpkin on the front steps of their mom's house, and it just seem apropos for this time of year. The feeling of death is in the air -- the leaves, the grass, the air's chill taking out so much of the fun that the suggestion of warmth gives our bodies and minds. And I think about the passing of Uncle Doug, the echoes of Charlie's death, and how I heard the dread of dealing with another death in my daughter's voice yesterday when she called to talk to me about it, or the exhaustion she exhaled when we spoke and hugged this afternoon.

The writer of Ecclesiastes said that worrying about our lives is "vanities of vanity." Today, in reflection of the challenge to see which of us would be the first to capture a photograph of a lightening bug, I realize that when I do finally take that picture, it will be way that a life will live on...