Family Reunion

This weekend is always my father's family reunion -- something I believe I have only missed once in the last twelve years. But it is something that my attendance is expected -- by my father, and by my family members. He accepts no excuse for the failure to appear. And if showed without at least one apple pie in my hand, I would not be allowed to hear the gun go off. It truly is one of those aspects of my existence that I have come to know is simply by which I am defined to my uncles, my cousins and other folks who show up...

But I enjoyed some good green beans, and great corn, and my mom's chicken & dumplings, and listened to folks talk about the kind of things that people who are related to each other, but rarely share air or food with one another: dead relatives, how you are related, work, random happenings in their respective lives, and why we don't get together more. And the space between them are filled with life, death, disagreements, love and great and horrible, all tied up with a pretty bow.

And the pie pans went home, scrapped clean. Til next July, huh?

A lot in my head...

...none of it is getting out of my fingers on to the screen.

Here are a couple pics for the day: A funny pic of Drew from the new porch and a pretty good moon shot from tonight. Kids and I went to Johnson City to watch Dinner for Schmucks -- a waste of money, but that's another thing all together.

No pic -- exhausted...

Woke up at 6 am, realizing I won't wake up in my bed again until August 9th. So I got up and cleaned my condo, packed for 10 days, and got Drew up and headed off to Durham. Then the weird news started flowing -- Drew going to stay in fifth grade, and the results of his academic testing was that he was in the superior average scale, which I don't really know what that means. Could be either on the superior side of average or the average side of superior. Very confusing these academic terms.

Lots of eye opening lines from his therapist today, who I got a letter from in the mail. Then a nice note from a guy I sold a lens to last week. And a bill or two.

Got told this morning that my dad has a wee bit of cancer, which caused me to kick straight into problem solver mode. Talked to my mom about it for about 30 minutes, and 10 minutes with him. Then spent about 30 minutes with a good friend who is a oncology radiation specialist about treatment options. With a healthy dose of worry, concern, fear, and prayer mixed into the day.

One of my Sunday School class members died this morning. Dot was a good soul -- loved to talk, and play goldf, and had a long life raising a child who lived to middle age with a lifelong terminal disease (and who passed about three years ago). She and her husband Bob are both great people, and will keep him and their family in my prayers...

Too many work issues to articulate, and lots of meetings during the day. Did get to see my favorite three words pop up on my phone thrice today. But I end this day with so much exhaustion...

Sorry no pic. Way too much going on.

Dead Insect Parts

No hangover but feeling rough this morning, and made sitting in a room for eight hours tough, but had a good time with my friends. Had a great set of meetings, and a lot of work done today (while I was totally paying attention to everything being said). I suppose I most appreciated the opportunity to help in whatever way I could, and to feel valued for the work I do.

Once home (after rescuing Drew from a frustrated mom), proceeded to rest but found a dead bee on top of the power distribution box in my yard. Drew had about 10 theories of what had happened (he was electrocuted, he was attacked by a bug, his stinger was missing so he must have stung someone, etc.) and I was intrigued. He was coated in pollen, and laying on his left sided, and I just hated not knowing what happened... made me fear the bee disease, and the Einstein quote that all life would end on earth within four years of the death of bees. Undoubtedly it is true.

Interestingly, there was another insect's leg (and nothing else) about eight inches from the bee, and that was the cooler pic and the greater unknown. The entire bee is apparently not as yummy as the rest of the insect who was survived by a leg, and a few thousand relatives.

A nice call to surprise me and a great day overall...

Good Eats: Roast Grill

Interesting how certain things change how I approach tasks or responsibilities I used to summarily ignore. For instance, yesterday I realized that the change oil light came on in my car. In the past, a minor annoyance; now it sparked an immediate call to the dealership to get it resolved. So I spent a part of my morning in the private offices there while the 5,000 mile service was done. Oh, I know... I couldn't believe it either.

On my way to Fayetteville, stopped to buy a lens and to grab a couple dogs at Roast Grill. It is a great, old place, and the dogs are always good. I feel like I've mentioned it before.... hmm... anyway, I walked in on a guy who was arguing with the owner (who is prone to argue anyway) about whether or not he had given him a $5 or $1 for some gum he bought. Clearly an attempt to "flim flam" him (first time I'd heard an adult use those words in a while, ya know...).

Worked in the office and getting ready to go to dinner, and have drinks with my co-workers. Should be a fun night that I hope we all remember and survive.

Drugs

...legal or otherwise, change people's lives. Had a long talk with a friend about love of ganja and how it's kept her young, and how she hadn't drunk alcohol in nearly 15 years. For me, drugs have literally saved my life.

I have high blood pressure. For the years before Christmas 2008, my doctors prescribed me a long list of medications to keep it in check, and I rarely took them. Oh I'd take 'em for a while, then not. I just never figured that it would really matter. It was just some silly medical condition that I worrying about was something other people did. Then it happened. I woke up that Monday morning, scared the hell out of my kids, my family and my love, and spent a few days at Duke — all because I was too damn stupid to take care of myself.

Now I take them every day, and am better because of it. My blood pressure the day I was admitted to Duke was 180/150. My last reading was 92/78.

The other great prescription drug I take is for ADD. I feel capable to get done what my otherwise miswired brain cannot get done -- focus on a single task. I love how I feel, until it goes away. That is the down side -- and it makes me completely understand why some live off of certain drugs. I hate the feeling of invincibility I lose when it goes away in the middle afternoon. And I know that it is the consequence, the trade off for those moments of clarity, of being well. What makes it worse is that nagging association I have with the loneliness at the end of the day — a pattern I will one day break.

This creates a conflict in my own head, in my responsibility as a parent. Last week I heard that Drew's ADD was a "mild" case, per his therapist, according to his mother. Today, I heard quite the contrary from the therapist himself. That unwillingness to consider the positives and the negatives — to only focus on the worst possible outcome — is irresponsible to me. Like nearly everything in life, there are tradeoffs. From my perspective, I don't want him to suffer any more in the classroom, in his social interactions, or otherwise. And I can't allow anyone to selfishly put their perspective ahead of his any longer.

So Nancy, I will do drugs, responsibly and legally. It will keep me healthy, allow me to focus on what is truly most important and let my son reach his potential. And others will make their own decisions.

Sorry for the diatribe. It's better than the one I started on fear.

Rose at Ivan's House

I love finding quotes that connect with me the second I read them: "Passions won't fade if you find new ways to nurture them each day."

Cleaning day. Watched Inception (which was freaking incredible). Thought of some more broader topics I want to write on. Was disappointed by a couple friends. Found myself nearing the end of the evening with the reality that my daughter broke her toe in frustration, my ex-wife asked me to take Drew nearly every night this week when MK is out of town, and that Drew loves being with me as much as he enjoys anything in life. And yet, at the end of the day, I remain filled with the reality of who I am -- am is a great way to be.

Learning to Walk

It was a hot day -- Drew and I didn't venture out until midday, and then wen to the flea market, where we got thoroughly boiled while searching for the relevant and irrelevant. But I love his insatiable curiosity when he is in that setting... I watched him interact with folks who run the coin shop (and who know him well from Raleigh Coin Club and his occasional visits/interrogations to the market about what the most valuable coin he can buy for $1.00. But they love to feed him new knowledge, and I just love watching him stick that straw in his mouth and fill up...

After two movies (and wondering why we even came out to the car after the second one), we came home to rest. But this thought struck me how much of my life, I feel like I've had to learn to walk again. The first time I went to see a movie in May of last year, I didn't even make it through 20 minutes. Now I can go all the way through the movie, but I always think of my movie mate... Lots of pieces of my life like that, even today, but every little step gets me stronger.

And some things just can't be relearned...

Bonnie

Tropical Storm Bonnie was a LOT of fun. Up waaaay too late last night, up too early so I could make my flight and the three hour trip to Key West took about four hours because (1) it was during the day, (2) there was hundred times more traffic and (3) there was this little wind and rain storm that I had to go through to make it back.

But the traffic, the missed turn (because of being on a conference call) that resulted in me driving through downtown Miami but I made it safely, not even hungover and actually got everything through security.

Once home, got the kids (and shuffling Mary Kathryn around before she wound up going to the mountains with her friend Caroline) and got home to sit and rest with Drew. Glad to be home... and what the hell -- it's hot as hell here.

Everytime I think about marriage I think back to what she wrote that January morning, why it took me four months to read it because of my own guilt and how the reality of love and coming together in that special way really is something I no longer fear.

Wedding on the beach

...I spent a long day in Key West today, doing about everything I could to simply enjoy the day. I walked around Duval Street, had a great breakfast, bought some cool things and had a Rum Runner in a cool to-go cup while driving around downtown. Gerald and I had freshly caught grouper sandwich with beer, and caught up on life before the big event.

I walked with Melanie down the aisle, once we figured out we were supposed to walk between the shells, and then she went the rest of the way on her own, as it should be. The ceremony was wonderful, affirming and full of the joy you would expect between two people who clearly love each other as much as they do. The small group of friends, standing around them, in the sun, and the Atlantic as the backdrop truly was enough, at times, to make you tear up.

The dinner (at Blue Heaven) and the drinking and the celebrating afterwards in Sloppy Joe's was a lot of fun, but the celebration of two lives brought together reminded me that love can be manifested in faith, truth and patience.

Congrats to Mel and Gerald!

Vacation Drive

After a long day, and a delayed trip into Fort Lauderdale, I got on the road about 10:40 or so tonight... for the 180+ mile trip to Key West.

I'm going down here because a friend of mine is getting married tomorrow on the beach. I've never been to Key West -- which is a little shocking to me. It's a quick trip; I am going home on Friday. So I splurged and rented a Mustang convertible.

After five minutes of trying to get used to driving such a radically different vehicle than I normally push down the highway, I opened it up on the Florida Turnpike, with the top down and the radio turned up so all I could hear was music. No pop. No rap. No country -- just classic rock... LOUD... and it was a joyous few hours down.

I thought, but not too much. I sang, but no one cared. The wind was blowing in the hairs in back and on the side (and did the aerodynamic thing over the pitiful ones on top of my head), and the moon and I raced for the horizon. She was beautiful tonight, and was only occasionally joined by a cloud. She danced on the right side for a while, then on the left. Never behind me, I only chased her a couple times.

The drive was a vacation all in itself. There was no deadline, no one expecting me. I knew my destination and the surprises to be found were the roads, the accoutrement along the way and it was the best analogy for my life. I could have been mad, or sad, or just devoid of emotion for the drive. I might have been justified in doing or feeling lots of things during those three hours, but I did what God intended: I just was. I smiled at the little things, a song I hadn't heard in a while, or the occasional memory or thought that ran through my mind. I called Drew's cell phone -- not because he would answer it (hell, he probably doesn't know where it is and the battery is dead), but to just hear his absolutely hilarious voice: "Hi, this is Drew..."

The humid air rushed beside me on the Seven Mile Bridge (which at 115, did not take that long) and I passed by folks paving or those driving south on US 1 and knew everyone had a story, and a reason for being there tonight.

When I crossed the last bridge on to Key West, I smiled. Not the joy of reaching my destination, nor the idea that I could get some sleep. I just relished in the fact that I had gotten the most restful few minutes, a relaxation through the journey that I didn't expect when I dreadfully got into the car 180 minutes earlier. I pulled into the little parking lot and checked into my bungalow and chatted with the bride to be for a few minutes, while I got my stuff in.

Then I closed the door, and saw the moon still racing ahead of me. She beat me to the horizon.

Gifts

The wonder of a gift is always amazing. It can make you change so much about how you view a day. I think about little things given -- like my aunt giving me some red raspberry jelly, in part because she knew how much I love it, and jelly instead of jam since I really cannot eat fruit with little seeds.

Sometimes those gifts show up in the form of a wrapped present; other times they are as simple as a note. Today, I received a wonderful gift in words that made my day, even though it was someone else's birthday. Odd how it all works, huh?

Happy Birthday, rdh...

At a loss for words...

The most comfortable thing I've seen all day...

A nice little baby bird, looking up for food, and its mommie...

The universe sending me a sign?

I like a Sunday where...

...I wake up with my kids here, and make them country ham and eggs for breakfast, and Drew starts his day with a hug because he just wanted to hug me.

... I take them back to Durham but after we had great time together. Yes, there were some moments of sadness when they got out of my car, and I felt a little guilty at the relief that I might get some things done this afternoon. But the idea of being a dad to them, providing for them, is such a blessing to me.

... I actually get some things cleaned up (but not enough), and get ready for my week. I finished a big presentation for in the AM, and have about four conference calls tomorrow but I also got what I needed to get together to take to Greensboro tomorrow and get my last "job" done as a member of the NCAHU board.

... I keep so much on my heart, and in my head, but keep it all in balance.

Now I lay me down to sleep...

Celebrating life...

Woke up super early today -- someone near me was hammering on their wall at 5 am, which is always the best time to hang something up.

Once Drew and I got to Greenville (or rather, when Drew woke up in Greenville), the day had started in full... at 8:30 am, on a Saturday. But the best part of my day was before 9 am when I stood in the bathroom and listened to the color commentary on life, changing clothes, the smell of the bathroom and pretty much any other random thought that came into his head while he was dressing. And, at the end of that process, after getting his wild mane in control, he decided he needed a hat. The boy undoubtedly has his own sense of fashion.

The next four hours were a bit of a whirlwind, with visitation, isolation, celebration, and perspiration, ending in Bethel, at the cemetery, in the hot sun, listening to taps, and watching the flag be folded. There were lots of reminders of my place in that family, but at the end I was proud to see my children showing their respect, and glad that I had chosen to be there and say goodbye to Uncle Doug.

It was weird to be in Greenville, for a number of reasons. Mary Jo's family are long-time Pitt County residents, and I have been there so many times in the last 20 years that I have been there because of a family need, or a holiday. And driving into town really was almost old hand. But when I turned off Charles Blvd, onto 5th Street, another set of memories came out. I remembered Matthew and Ann's wedding, and the second time we saw each other. And I was suddenly lost in thought...

I also had the chance to remember my favorite Chesson relative (technically she was a Spruill who married a Chesson). Doug and Mary's mother was a great person, an engaging personality and had a wit that could not be matched. She was always sharp, right to the very end, and was someone I loved to spend time with. Mrs. Chesson -- her full legal name was Stella Marie Spruill Chesson -- just always brought you in and you loved her for it. One Christmas eve we spent in her house in Bethel, only to be woke up at 4 am when the train rolled through town on the tracks that we less than 50 feet from the house.

Got home with Mary Kathryn, who was tired as hell from her week at Passport, and slept a big part of the trip back and then for a couple hours after we got home. Gave me a chance to watch Good Will Hunting, an incredibly well written movie that I hadn't watched in a very long time. I can't encourage you to watch it enough. It's that good.

My favorite line: Do what's in your heart, son, and you'll be ok... I completely agree.

Then after bringing Drew back, I saw the image that became tonight's picture. The effect of the water on the back-up camera, and the warning message seemed like a fun photo to share.

Memories on her birthday...

I remember the day she was born, my niece, watching her grow up and being proud of her triumphs, her disappointments and her pure humanity.

Today would have been Charlie's 23rd birthday had she not been killed by a drunk driver in October. She was a friend, a mentor, a caring soul and unafraid to be herself.

On this day, I keep her in my thoughts, my sister, brother-in-law and niece Samantha in my prayers, and live up to what she believed possible -- that all people are worthy of being loved and everyone can meet their potential.

Charleston, West Virginia

Today was a long day, but one of those rare times where I rode in the car for lots and lots of hours in a single day and wasn't impossibly depressed at the end of it. I started the day very early and enjoyed a number of aspects of the drive up. First, I have to say that Pilot Mountain might be one of the coolest geological oddities I know of. I think it's actually far more interesting than the Grand Canyon.

Someone told me the other day that the stone was formed that way around the big pinnacle because it is of a kind of rock that does not erode the way others have around it and therefore survives the aging process of our planet. I sincerely wish I cared about that as much as I just like the way it looks over Highway 52 on my way north this morning.

And no, of course I wasn't driving when I took this picture.

The second cool aspect of the drive north along Interstate 77 is that there are two very old tunnels that you have to travel through to get to West Virginia. They are a marvel of engineering -- poking a mighty hole through a mountain, while preserving the nature and shape of the landscape.

I like the little features like the little hills in each one, the way you are supposed to stay within your lane throughout the trip and that the signage for each is done in cool Art Deco scripts to make you feel like you are doing something special.

I got to see the "alternative" (which I am becoming convinced is as offensive as scraping the top of mountains off to mine coal) is digging a huge ditch and building a road right through it. Along the West Virginia Turnpike, I saw something that I'm sure sounded like progress where a huge scar was opened on the mountain to replace a tunnel.

And if you take a picture with the shutter open longer than you planned, you get a really cool effect while driving through the Big Walker Mountain Tunnel. At least, hypothetically...

From a stationary perspective, I got to capture the dome of the State Capitol of West Virginia. It dominates the scene along the river in Charleston, and is frankly the most beautiful state capitol building in the country -- at least that I've ever seen.

Obviously the traditional color of gold is a reflection of the money made in this state from its natural resources being pulled from the ground. There's a lot to be said about the dichotomy of the gold against the significant poverty rampant throughout the state. But sometimes you have to enjoy the place, and forget the surroundings, and this building truly is an amazing sight to behold.

I was successful in my primary purpose from traveling to Charleston (had to deal with a matter involving the insurance department there) and only took advantage of the little bit of time I had to walk around before the appointment in the Farmer's Market. The flowers and food grown and sold in the summer sun were the perfect form of relaxation after the drive but before the meeting to get in the right frame of mind.

This flower was but a part of the collection there, but my favorite one because of the star within its centerpiece.

My snarky horoscope this week was insightful, I believe... "Thou shalt not kill" is a crucial rule for you to follow, and not just in the literal sense. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you should also be extra vigilant as you avoid more metaphorical kinds of destruction. Please be careful not to unleash ill-chosen words that would crush someone's spirit (including your own).

Don't douse newly kindled fires, don't burn recently built bridges, and don't deprive fresh sprouts of the light they need to keep growing. To put this all in a more positive frame: It's time for you to engage in a reverent and boisterous celebration of life, nurturing and fostering and stimulating everywhere you go.

Never ignore signals that the universe gives, right?

Lost in Thought

It's amazing how something negative can consume you. A little word, a random thought, a moment of dejá vu can cause you to get lost in thought. I have struggled for years with this, but today I found myself empty out three or four times today for no good reason. I think I need to get some sleep.

So much more to say, but I really just can't get the thoughts out of my head, and into my fingers so that they make sense.

Help, and Love...

Today, I woke up at 4 am with odd dreams, that of which I cannot remember many details. Sat in a long meeting, listening to people complaining and directing them toward problem solving and then drove to Banner Elk to have dinner with my parents and see some friends who were at Lees McRae for Frolic...

As my day winds down, I feel exhausted. But this photo of a bird, getting his bath any way he could, brings a little smile to my face...

We help those we love not for thanks, or in expectation of anything, but because it is all we can do. It is the nature of love. Love is complicated that way.

Comfort Food for heart, soul and body...

A few things to think about today. First, the passing of a man who I dearly loved, but lost my relationship with because of my decision to no longer be married to his niece. Doug was a good man and a gentle soul, and someone that the ravages of a stroke destroyed nearly everything that was great about him. I remember hitting it off with him almost immediately after meeting him, early in the engagement period with Mary Jo, and our common interests in computers, arguing and peacemaking, and love for his mother, helped us be good friends.

Doug's death was long in coming, for he had been very sick for a number of years. My greatest regret was that I never made a strong enough attempt to reconcile with him. I accept that the decision we made to end our marriage hurt Mary Jo more than me, and that is was his responsibility to worry about her. But I always cared for Doug and his death, even though a positive thing for him, means that I will live with that loss.

I am trying to do a little more prayer in my life, and the news of the last few days makes it even more critically important. I have prayed the same core prayer for over a year -- thanking God for my children, for RDH, for my family and my friends. For Christ's sacrifice and for the day ending or the one about to begin. I used to carry a list of folks for whom I needed to pray and added it to my list recently because so many people lately need prayer. Today I heard about a friend whose cancer has returned, and I think about my friends who are suffering through their own pain and suffering or helping a family member through their own.

I'm not always sure what prayer does, but it at least extends a positive thought of comfort, of healing and assurance for someone who may not otherwise have it. It can be strengthening, and frankly I believe it has the ability to carry the light to those who need it, whether they know it or not.

Today I was comforted by helping someone I care for greatly, my son being thankful for little things and a few minutes of careful meditation about confidence and patience.

Comfort food comes in many forms. I am going to crawl in bed in a few and enjoy the seventh book again... for the fourth time. Well, the fourth book always was my favorite.