Leaving St. Louis

We had a fun day -- many complex thoughts and memories of the day.

First, Drew's complete disengagement with the football game. The realization that I have completely not prepared my son to talk about sports because there was so little about the game he truly understood, or, once he did understand some of it, that he cared nothing about it. He literally sat through most of the game drawing in his notebook, and occasionally looking up to ask a question about something going on... and then returning to the collection of thoughts on paper.

Of course, I don't want to leave the impression that the boy is a complete social freak: later, he and CJ were running around the pool at the Four Seasons, shooting cap guns at each other... never mind, that's not convincing counter-evidence. Sorry.

This particular sight was particularly funny for me. I think the first time I saw this particular fan project, I thought it was memorable and funny... maybe even original. 20 years later, it's just sad. The impression I was left with is that the other fans let the newbie show up with the big D and the picket fence and think: one day, he'll be cool enough for those seats... but not today. After he asks us where the pool is in the stadium, and he suffers through the other hazing rituals, we'll bring him into a room and threaten to beat the shit out of him if he brings that to another game. Besides, given the way we played today, the Rams' defense was more likely to catch our passes than our offense was...

To get to and from the stadium, we came from the Four Seasons to an underground tunnel that led to the entrance into Edwards Jones Dome (I'll save the rant about corporate sponsorship for sports facilities for a day that I don't fly home at 6:30 am CDT). To get to said tunnel, we had to walk through the adjacent hotel's casino. Yes, casino. One of Drew's lifelong fantasies.

The boy is convinced that he can play both poker and blackjack, and to be so close to a casino and not walk in seems to be another example of an adult world oppressing his freedom by imposing their moral code on him. He and I had a fascinating conversation about why there are age limits on the entry to casinos and how he thought that was an indefensible position. Another scary aspect of being his father is the logic and certainty of position on many issues -- and how frustrating it can be to get him to see other views than his own. It's not understanding racism or bigotry against people for who they love, how they think or where they come from, and refusing to accept that "that's the way it is" as a reason for anything. It's all pretty damn cool.

He did finally get me into the hot tub, which is on the main porch overlooking the Arch and where the outside bar is located. My own embarrassment about the public nature of being in the pool be damned... he wanted in the water.... and he was right. The hot water felt great, and while he failed to get me into the other pool (that looked too cold for me), he thoroughly enjoyed himself. The times that he is clearly a boy makes the occasions when he is so grown up a little more complex to manage because I see him in such different ways, and he approaches each with such conviction and diversity.

The ghosts came to me in my dreams, and they had good words, truthful words and I carry on. We say goodbye to St. Louis.

Hate a bad night of sleep...

Went to bed around 10 pm and woke up about 1:30 am... tried to read, to catch up, to do lots of things to fall back asleep. Nothing worked... Finally nodded back off at 4:30 or so. Then dreamt I was in a car accident, of my own making. Then about 5 am, fell back asleep and woke up from having placed a call and someone else answering the phone and telling me something hurtful. So now I'm up for good, at 7 am local time.

I give up. Hopefully I won't sleep during the game today.

Sometimes a Thousand Words aren't necessary...

Here are four pictures I took today in St. Louis. Obviously I found a great deal to like about the Gateway Arch (as I learned it is actually called today), in particular the architectural design, its construction and how remarkable it seems that a public works project like this could ever have been funded, built and there was little political consequence suffered as a result. But it is really one of those things that, in my opinion, have always made our country great.

You look at the places like San Francisco and New York with their monumental bridges, the Hoover Dam, or any other number of places where similar things have been done. And it makes me proud that we once had the courage to build something like this, so important and defining.

The first picture is from our room at the Four Seasons, as the sun was rising over Illinois this morning.

The second picture is from underneath the north "leg" of the arch. Something remarkable in context.

The third was taken as we were leaving the park, and one of the most beautiful pictures I think I've taken of a place.

Finally, the last picture was taken as we were riding over the Missouri River, and the sun was setting over the west along the path that Lewis and Clark took as they were setting off to find the northwest passage.

Two great quotes. One was from Phenomenon, where John Travolta was talking to the woman he loved, with the knowledge that he was about to die. He asked her, "Will you love me for the rest of my life?" Her response: "No, I'll love you for the rest of mine." Always a quote that epitomized love.

Finally, a nice note about the ghosts of Halloweens past from a good friend. Made memories rise to the forefront of my mind, and just moved them through in the only way I can.

Guess the thousand words were a part of what I needed to say, even if they weren't necessary.

St. Louis

A very long day -- cars, buses and airplanes -- to get us safely to St. Louis, and to walk into the room to find a wonderful creation for Drew and the Arch... wow.

Probably a lot more to share, but we are both too tired. Lots of adventures tomorrow but for now: sleep.

BTW, Drew and I agree: planes with bad seals make for a miserably long flight, and achy ears afterwards...

Oh, and I agree with Haynes -- The Four Seasons rocks.

Peace, my friends.

Pretty...

An interesting conversation has been going on between me and my friend, Gene. He's looked through my portfolio and told em the pics he thinks are "art" and which ones are just nice (which is his way of not saying a lot...).

Some people walk into a booth at an arts fair and look at the photographs taken and remark how nice they are, how "pretty" they are, or how a scene reminds them of something, some time or someone. (Brief break for the grammar/spelling/punctuation police: some time is two words, right?) I feel a snob to walk into those booths and feel uninspired or that some (but hardly all) of my stuff is better. Is that ego or simply objective thought? WTF knows?

Anyway.... Tonight, he and I were discussing one of my photos which he thought was "one of my best." From there a long discussion ensued about photography and art. At some point, I said that I felt that photography was largely an art of chance, while most other forms are ones driven by intentionality -- either in the outcome or the method (e.g. abstract expressionism). We discussed a handful of pictures where the outcome was hardly the objective but how some random element made the picture more special. Then he went off to be with his wife. And I came home to write my blog.

Two pretty mind-entralling conversations today -- understandable since it is the season of the Scorpio. Look out, stingers ahead!

Justice

Don't know why this topic struck me today. Probably the multiple references to justice over the past two week or so.

Justice is an elusive term -- lost to the one hearing it based on the unique perspective of the one using it. Sometimes it seems as difficult a concept as faith. And it is important to how we feel about the world...

No Justice, No Peace -- the great call of the oppressed, bastardized by so many over the years, with no respect for the many who fought and died for the idea of justice -- from Martin Luther King, Jr., to Zapata, to so many others...

Got this gift from an email I get every day last week: love is stronger than justice. The commentary was even better: "So if you feel that you have been 'unjusted' and are looking for 'justice', you may be looking for the wrong thing. What would happen if you sought love instead? And what would happen if you gave love instead of seeking it? This might require a bit of forgiveness. Yet if you start with yourself, if you begin by forgiving yourself for all the things you may have done that were not okay with another, you will find it much easier for forgive another for what was done that is not okay with you." Reminded me that love is hard work, and that loving yourself is as important as anything.

It was the kinda thing that got me refocused and straight in a couple ways.

Today was strengthened by a call from a dear friend who told me I was her mentor, and I can't tell you how that made me feel. That, a comment about collecting strays and a good meeting in Greensboro before heading home made the day good in a number of ways.

Sparks

Did I drive you away?

I know what you’ll say,

You say, “Oh, sing one we know,”

But I promise you this,

I’ll always look out for you,

That’s what I’ll do.

I say “oh,”

I say “oh.”

My heart is yours,

It’s you that I hold on to,

That’s what I do,

And I know I was wrong,

But I won’t let you down,

(Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will…)

I say “oh,”

I cry “oh.”

Yeah I saw sparks,

Yeah I saw sparks,

And I saw sparks,

Yeah I saw sparks,

Sing it out.

La, la, la, la, oh…

La, la, la, la, oh…

La, la, la, la, oh…

Coldplay, from Parachutes.

----------------

the bad decisions that leave a stain a guilt for days, weeks, months... that you feel in the first breathe of loneliness in the morning... the empty shower...the drive home at night...

and you just buck up.

Rollin'

Productive day, even on the road for most of it. A day where the meetings were so good, and my feeling coming out of them was even better. It makes what I do feel relevant in some stupid way.

Started the day with the kids, and my few minutes with Drew were, as always, magical -- his insights and his craving for the time sitting in the parking lot talking make ME feel special. Strange how that happens. I also started the second Stieg Larsson audiobook making the long roundtrip drive pretty tolerable. Very interesting story about him -- his name, his writing and his girlfriend finding the books on his laptop after he died. Kinda cool, and weird at the same time.

Today's picture is a part of my courthouse collection -- nice shot of McDowell as the sun was setting in the east.

State Fair

Kids and I had a glorious afternoon at the State Fair -- its final day for 2010 and we could not have picked a better day. The toughest part was that we were all tired and came home to promptly take naps or to be in our own quiet places.

The only one of these pics I cannot take credit for is the one of the bumper cars, which Mary Kathryn took. I found it to be haunting, and fun, and a bit of whimsy all at the same time.

The swings they loved, and Drew's performance with the bb guns was, per the usual, incredible. Took the first time to learn how far off the sights were and how to control the fire rate. The second turn he came within just a couple shards of paper from winning his prize. I was very proud of him for not being angry or disappointed — in fact he understood and will do better next year.

Mary Kathryn and I rode this nightmare called the COBRA, which seemed on its face harmless. Low to the ground for the most part, it simply spun you around a bit... Totally much faster than we anticipated, we both wobbled off and into a near state of paralysis while trying to recover our balance. Neither of us were the same for the rest of the afternoon.

Makes me feel old, and also makes me wonder how I will perform in a couple weeks when we are at Universal in Orlando. I can just feel the loss of my equilibrium, and I wonder when exactly I lost it. There was a time when those kinds of rides never affected me. Those days are long past.

Mary Kathryn in her new hat, sun in her face, and a smile that captured my heart (as usual), and a walk back to the car (we parked in a neighborhood of houses where the cash business is renting spaces for fair visitors for $10 -- both a crazy good idea and a little monopolistic) brought our perfect afternoon to a close... well, near perfect.

Crazy book-readin' man...

Ever worry about what they would think when they went through your house or your car after you're dead? (Don't ask why such macabre things run through my head... they just do.) I've heard the stories about the crazy old woman with 100's of cats left in the house, running around like a moving carpet when they found her dead. For me, my fear isn't (necessarily) what they might find in my computer or in the various drawers around my place, but the random stacks of books that are partially read. Currently, I have the following:

On my bed is one book, . It was something I read on Facebook that another friend read, and is a great spy novel from the 1970's about one CIA operative's belief that Kennedy was killed by the family of the Vietnamese leaders that JFK had killed earlier in 1963.

In the bathroom are two books, one on a fictional account of the final days of WWII in which the cold war didn't have the pregnant pause, but began with a battle in Berlin between American and Soviet forces. The other book is a history of the discovery of many of the principles of quantum physics and the people who brought about those theories and made the revelations.

By the bed is a stack of ten (10!!) books that I would very much like to read, but the likelihood of doing so is very, very remote. As a result, I am simply hopeful that the books will seep into my consciousness through osmosis or the aggressive attack of their words and ideas on my brain cells while I sleep.

On the iPad, I have about three books I want to read, and one that I actually am. Remnick's biography of Obama has been very enjoyable and something I find myself drawn into frequently, but not enough to actually finish the damn book.

My Amazon account has about five books in the checkout cart, but that I haven't quite gotten around to justify paying for. That's not counting the eight or so other books in that cart that are being held for later when I decide to buy them.

Finally, the iPod in the car has two books on it -- the second of the Stieg Larrson books, and a book I'm reading for work called Linchpin.

Keep in mind that none of this counts the 4-5 issues of the New Yorker I remain constantly trying to keep up with...

"Did you hear about the crazy book dude? They found him dead in his place, with 30 books just lying around half-read... bet he went crazy trying to keep up with them all in his head."

"That's just weird."

Accomplishments

Got to watch Drew test for his first belt today. He started taekwondo this fall, and this step from white to yellow was fun to observe and participate in as a parent. The kids who were there ranged from very young to late teenagers. I worried that Drew would be the oldest white belt, but he wasn't by a long shot.

His excitement in the exercise, and my pride at watching him be the first to do a longer series of steps, and then to feel his frustration at kicking until he broke his (rather thick) plate of wood — it was an incredible experience. Honestly was something that I have felt a number of times with the kids, from soccer to fencing to basketball, made me feel great, and a bit melancholy about their growing up.

Mary Kathryn seemed bored, which wasn't that surprising since she was not there in any capacity and she is thirteen, right? But she enjoyed it more than she admitted. We talked about some of the kids that were there... There was this one little girl -- maybe seven -- who was testing for the red belt (I think) which is two levels below black. She was very focused, and very mature in how she approached the test and her responsibility to the teacher, her parents and her other students. It was both pretty impressive and a little... sad. Made me wonder what she would be like later -- finishing at the top of her Harvard Law school class, and still wondering who she was. It just makes me worry about what we do to our kids.

Tomorrow, we'll hit the State Fair... I'll be rested I hope.

Resting, but Restless

Got home, after waking washed out, and decided I could not make it out west today... and so I came home to catch up, to rest, and to find some elusive peace.

This picture is from my early morning trip to Burlington on Thursday, before heading to Statesville with David Moore. It was right before I took my exit, and came at the beginning of a day that ended with me back in Greensboro.

I woke with my children -- my amazing, loving children – and then sent them off to school with me and the hollow spot in my heart.

Touched by the words of so many friends today. Thanks to those who reached out and understood. Trying not to be whiney, but just feel like something is wrong. Got to figure it out and probably only able to do that on my own. So we'll see.

Tomorrow Drew tests for his yellow belt, so that will be fun. Then home, to rest, to clean, to finish catching up and preparing for the weekend.

Falling Behind, and Catching up...

Seems that falling behind is something I do from time to time. The last two days have been very busy, but my body seems to be rebelling against me in a number of ways.

First, I cannot get awake. On Wednesday, I had a good deal of time in the afternoon to be home to get caught up on work... yet as hard as I tried, I could not get done all I wanted to get done... I wanted to take a nap but the tasks on the list kept staring at me, begging to be done or whispering among themselves about how tired they were to still be on the list. Their chatter, and my guilt, kept me from doing what I needed -- laying on the couch to take that little nap.

When I got home from dinner at church, I was so tired, I crawled into bed at about 7:45 to watch TV. I woke up at 5:30 am Thursday morning. But I honestly still feel tired now (Friday morning) and wonder what is going on.

Second, I feel like I'm falling behind in so many things I've worked on in the last two years. The conspiracy of fall — its lost light, cool air, and dark memories — seem to be dragging me into recesses from which I have tried hard to never return. I need to focus, and remember how I got here, and restrengthen myself for the next great battle, wherever that is.

Wednesday wore purple, as many did, to support those people who have been bullied, abused or otherwise harassed because of who they love. It was amazing the number of people who did it, particularly at church, and made me happy that the subtle message to the world was given without the obviousness of a ribbon or a slogan across our backs.

Probably also had the best sales calls of my last year on two cases that I have no idea if we will get, but just felt very good about what I said, how it went and everything else about the meetings. It has seemed that those opportunities remain the bright spot in these last two days, the opportunity to let the part of me that feels strongest shine.

I feel so many shadows, things that I cannot escape, lingering around me, but my evening with the kids was particularly good. Had a speaking engagement and they were with me, which was so nice. I do hate this one night because it is too short to get the sustenance they give...

Getting up, to go face the day...

Inspiration

Woke up too early, and got some work done while listening to the final chapters of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. A moment of weird, low blood sugar. A good conversation at lunch with a conservative about health care reform, after which I was complemented for being passionate and knowledgeable, and told I was a bit argumentative. Yep -- guilty on both counts.

Got home around 6 pm, and had dinner with Gene to discuss how I can help him. It was great to see him and spent time catching up after the weeks of preparation for the wedding, and their week of honeymoon and recovery. I will be home for a few nights, which will be nice. Getting more and more...

Not sure...

Today, Charlie has been dead a year. A promising life snuffed out by the idiocy of a boy too drunk to know better, and too scared to stop. Her twisted body, a late night call to share the news and to absorb the punch. The fear of not knowing when I will stop and let the world keep going. A year ago, I found out how far I'd fallen in those eyes.

Today, I had a great lunch, and a productive meeting, and a difficult dinner. Today, I apologized for my angst and anger, and got nothing back.

I miss my children, and am frustrated by many things, but I must sleep and worry more about tomorrow then.

Ending the day frustrated

Tonight, after picking Mary Kathryn up, I realized how frustrated I was... no real reason why, but just felt the weekend's expectations and memories finally just getting me. She and I had a couple short exchanges and then realized that I was reacting and being angry when I didn't really know why. So rather than be defensive about it, I simply stopped and said, "I'm sorry." We talked and that was the best thing I could do, for me, and for us.

Sometimes there are things to be said that really ought to be said. I have been pretty proud of my ability to speak my mind -- both live and here... there are times that I have not written what I think (for any number of reasons), but I have found power in writing it and saving it for myself, to be included in a bigger project. But how I've said what I think has strengthened me in so many situations, and made me more humble in just as many...

Colors and Texture

Today was a glorious day, full of fresh, cold air, the comfort of an agenda, and the refreshing surprises that always arise. Valle Country Fair's amazing offerings of arts and crafts were nice as always -- with a couple of my stand-bys delivering. I bought a beautiful wood bowl/sculpture from a guy who's always there, and a couple pieces of pottery.

Captured a handful of pictures reflecting texture, but really liked this one.

The Woolly Worm Festival was usual mass of humanity, with little of interest. Drew didn't want to wace a worm, and has outgrown all of the kiddie games. That, along with his continued cough, and the cool in the air, caused us to run home to rest. I started my day VERY early because sleeping with the abominable sleep monster in a full-sized bed is something I can no longer do... so I needed a nap.

My mom said something this morning, reflecting on the past twelve months, and undoubtedly remembering that a year ago tonight, my niece was killed by a drunk driver. Her words were a good summary of how I've felt: "We've gone through the motions of living for the past year." So very true...

Fall

Nothing like being in Banner Elk to make you feel the rising crash of fall's waves on the leaves, the air and the light... Drew and I left Durham around 2 pm, and when we stopped in Banner Elk to capture this first picture, we nearly froze to death. The wind, and cool air being pushed by its force, made us catch our breathe. We both ran to get our coats and shivered in the car afterwards.

I watched and took pictures of this tree's yellow leaves, dominating its western side, and sat amazed at how the colors shifted depending on how the sun's light hit the trees. From burnt yellow to brown and then bright ochre, it was a shift that I never thought possible.

Like many days, I spoke to a group of folks about health care reform, and then did a couple sales and consulting calls before getting my Drew from school. We both enjoyed our time today, stopping at Whole Foods (which I still want to call Wellspring) for a little lunch and heading west. I am looking forward to tomorrow's Valle Country Fair and, to a lesser degree, the Woolly Worm Festival, and the memories of last year are laying all around.

Ended my evening sitting and talking to my cousin, Caitlin, about the rewards and risks of living in Banner Elk. A fascinating, urbane soul finding respite in this town is a fascinating social observation for me.

Hope to find more fall tomorrow to inspire me.

Moonshot

Another beautiful moon night... my kids are here, a balance of happiness and concern about Drew's recovery, the harsh exchanges between them, and the return of our way, of peace, and comfort.

I feel some tear, some battle within, and feel that I know some of the reasons why, and yet battle to better understand the others. It's a function of this weekend... and the weather... the time change, and so much more... But like most things, I will survive.

Art in any form

Tonight, coming home from a meeting, I wanted to stop for a minute at the NC Museum of Art to just walk around the outdoor art garden. It was a nice minute to recover a moment of sanity after a day of not feeling great, and a little stress tonight from the meeting...

I love this particular sculpture, faces that can be seen in different views, and the closing lights of the day interspersed with the amber lights providing other accents. It made the experience richer to just sit and ponder for a minute.

I've been asked, and heard the question asked in policy settings: "What is the value of art?" My response, from personal experiences of walking through the halls of MoMA in SF and Manhattan, from walking through the halls and rooms of homes, and from just sitting for a few minutes at the end of a day, is simple: Why put value on that which cannot be quantified? Why even try? The time and peace of thought are priceless.